What we have chosen

Sunday June 29, 2003 at 8:22 pm

I know this note is long overdue in coming, and for that I apologize.

Water crashes rhythmically against the rocks as the mist gently sprays against my face blending the ocean's salty tears with my own. The cool breeze strokes my hair making it a part of the night. Alone, but for once in my life not caring whether I see another face.

My marked feet trail off into the sand, longing to follow the siren's call into the blue, but stopping short of the waves which now dance about my ankles.

They say the sea helps one to forget, but, alas, the night and the salty breeze only summon your memory from the depths of where I last tried to lay it to rest.

I toss a stone into the water and regret that I had not a copper penny to throw instead, to place a wish upon.

So many regrets now occur to me. One, the obvious, that I am without you. The second — far more complex — that you became someone I do not know. And the third and most painful — that I'd rather live off your memory than to see you as who you have become.

I know. Yes, I have seen reality as it has been presented to me — that you and I are not the same people. But I am saddened because all the love in the world can't change the past or alter the present that we have chosen for ourselves.

I feel it would be most unwise for us to begin dating again. Too much has been said and too much has been done on both our parts. We're just too serious together. I can't handle getting emotionally involved and then — well, you know.

You once gave me some good advice, so let me pass it back to you. As much as it may hurt, you've got to face reality.

I once had so much faith and trust in you. In my eyes you did no wrong, everything you did was justifiable, everything you touched gold. Love is so madly blind, isn't it? But growing up opened my eyes.

I can't be in love with a dream or a figment of what was. I used to love the innocent you. It was wonderful. Then you became a user. You used me when no one else was around to satisfy you. I was always second-best and I knew it. Well, I can't be that anymore.

I'm sorry. I let you go a long time ago. I think it's time you did the same.

[circa 1989]

jason

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