There are too many ghosts here
Monday September 13, 2004 at 4:32 pm
Even before Derek passed away last week I had decided that I needed to move. It was as much a financial decision as an emotional one. After Derek moved back to his hometown, it was painfully clear that I didn't need a three bedroom, two bath apartment. On top of not needing all the space and not wanting to pay for a place this big, the apartment his haunted by memories — ghosts of a life now behind me.
Derek was sick long before we moved here in April of 2003. In fact, the move was doubly difficult because I had to do all of the work. I'm not complaing, mind you, as Derek was ill and not able to do more than drive between the two apartments. After his car accident a few days after we moved, Derek's condition went downhill rapidly until he was hospitalized later in the year.
So this apartment is full of those memories — the ghosts of our last move together, forever marking a turning point in the time we had left; the thoughts of his failing health and the then present knowledge of where it would lead him; the idea that we both liked this place when we chose it, yet I was the only one who really used it because Derek spent most of the time in the hospital; and the clear and indisputable truth that I knew, even back then, that, when our lease ended here, Derek would probably be gone.
I can barely sleep now, haunted nightly by the life we had together before we moved here. Every time I walk into this place I am reminded of what has been lost. It's increasingly difficult not to cry when I'm here as I look around me and am assaulted by constant reminders of Derek. There's the bedroom where his hospital bed is, the place where he spent most of the time when he was here. There's his office, the room that he only used for a few weeks before being hospitalized and, after that, unable to get his wheelchair into the room because of his desk and other furniture, it remained unused. There's the bathroom that Jenny and I spent an entire day cleaning after Derek was hospitalized because his body had literally begun to fall apart in there. There's the kitchen that Derek loved so much despite the fact that he couldn't cook. There's the patio he adored because of the view but couldn't use when he was home from the hospital briefly because his wheelchair couldn't get out the door and around the corner. There's the living room where we would sit for hours watching favorite movies, television programs, chatting with each other about work and life, playing with The Kids, reading (each our own thing, of course), eating, and generally spending time together. There's the long walk from the parking garage — the walk that he could barely make when we moved in and couldn't make shortly thereafter. And the list goes on…
I am besieged at every moment that I am here, besieged by memories of what was, besieged by the ghosts of a life now behind me, inundated by the images of someone taken too early from this world.
I cannot remain in this place.
So I went apartment hunting recently, looking only for something temporary until I get my feet back under me and my life back on track. After spending two years caring for Derek and keeping him alive and dedicating my life to his well-being, it's difficult for me to know where to begin to get back to living, but moving out of here is the first step.
I found a place — a nice little one bedroom flat with an attached garage that is just around the corner from where we are (meaning I don't have to leave the neighborhood I love so much). Because I'm focusing on getting rid of so much of the furnishings that we shared (only because I need desperately to put that behind me and to move on with my own life), I don't need much room right now. The place is about 760 sqaure feet and will work just fine for the next six months. It'll be a place where I can work on getting back on top of things, getting my life together again, refocusing my efforts on living rather than on caring for someone who is terminally ill.
I'm going to sign the lease on the new place on Wednesday. Once that's done, I'm trying everything in my power to move by next weekend. As of right now, that appears to be entirely doable.
I'm naturally worried about The Kids. Cats like routine, normalcy, dependability. Moving is always so hard on them (especially Kako due to her tendency to develop urinary tract infections). I'll have to keep a close eye on them as cats don't respond well to stress. I'll be spending extra time with them to assure them that I am not leaving.
You should expect me to be offline for at least a few days starting on Friday. I hope to be back online by Sunday at the latest.
I step out into eternity…
jason
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September 14th, 2004 at 7:07 pm
You step out but you are not alone. You have friends who love you and will be ther for you
September 15th, 2004 at 2:12 pm
I know. I'm certain of it. And thankfully that's true as I'm out of energy and need all the help I can get (and I don't just mean mentally).
September 15th, 2004 at 3:45 pm
hello jason
If i was there i would help you. I want to help you get away from the ghosts and back to the good memories. I want to help you because you helped my uncle get through those hard years when his family wasnt around. I want to help you because now you are apart of my family and also my friend. Thank you jason, without you, i would have never been able to see my uncle, never told him i loved him, or held his hand one last time. ~*~ heather ~*~
September 16th, 2004 at 4:09 pm
I appreciate the sentiment, Heather. It means a lot. As for helping Derek, he was like a brother to me. He was my friend, my roommate, my confidant, and a part of my extended family. One thing I believe in with all my heart is that we help those we love when they're in need, that we sacrifice for our loved ones when necessary. This is what love and friendship are about. If we cannot rely on our friends to be there in our time of need, certainly we shouldn't expect anyone else to help either. This quote from John Oxenham (a pseudonym of William Arthur Dunkerley) probably describes best why I did what I did for Derek. For more than 15 years it has been the guiding principle for me when it comes to those I love.
Love ever gives — forgives — outlives, and ever stands with open hands. And while it lives, it gives. For this is love's perogative — to give and give and give.
That is why I took care of Derek while he was so ill regardless of any sacrifices I had to make. I believe this is how we should respond to those we love — with selfless determination.
And I am glad that you and the family had an opportunity to spend this last month with Derek. I knew when I called that his time was drawing to a close, so my sincere hope was that each of you would have an opportunity to share some time with him before his death. I cannot tell you how happy I am that that is precisely what happened.
February 2nd, 2005 at 9:39 am
sorry it has taken my so long to write back. Its been hard over here.. not only did i loose my uncle, but my father. Not in death, but we do not and will not speak. My uncles death has made me realize that just because people are “family” it doesnt mean that they have to care of you, support u, or anything that someone needs. So i am off living with my boyfriend now, and we are happy as can be. We just had our 4 year anni. and we are still going strong
Take care jason, and tell jenny i said hi too 
And u better be takin care of those kittys. He is keeping me to my word about makin sure they are doin ok 
Talk to u later.. Heather
February 2nd, 2005 at 6:04 pm
No problem, Heather. I certainly understand familiy problems and how overwhelming they can be. I'm certainly shocked about what's happened with you and your father. Obviously this may not be the forum to discuss it, but don't hesitate to contact me if you want to talk about it.
I'm glad to hear you and your boyfriend are doing well. Four years! That's longer than most marriages last these days, so count your blessings.
Jenny read your comments here, but I'll reiterate that you said hello.
Of course I'm taking care of these spoiled rotten cats. They're my children and I'd be in bad shape without them. I hope to get some new pictures of them posted soon.