Derek's sister Dawn forwarded these to me the other day.  I thought some of them were funny enough to share.

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I'd like to wish all Americans a happy and safe Thanksgiving.  I hope we all pause long enough today to be thankful for what we have, what we've been given, what we must fight for, and what we stand for (some of which has been lost in recent years but can be restored through diligence and dedication to the American dream).

We are still a great nation despite having some of our greatness tainted and some of our moral fortitude corrupted.  We may have temporarily lost our way, but it is not a permanent condition.

On a more personal level, take time to be thankful for family and friends and loved ones.  We do not say "I love you" and "thank you" often enough in this country.  Take today as an opportunity to change that.

In that spirit, I want to say "thank you" and "I love you" to all of my friends and family.  You are my strength and joy and partners in life and crime.

The Census of Marine Life, a ten-year initiative to assess the diversity and abundance of marine life, is turning up more than two new fish species per week.  You may remember I mentioned this in October 2003.  Since that time the project has discovered 106 new fish species, two new types of octopus, and a burrowing 20-centimeter worm.

Included in the 2004 discoveries were a growing understanding of the migratory habits of marine life.  Bluefin tuna were found to traverse the entire Pacific, tagged off the coast of California before turning up off Japan — then returning to California waters.  Tuna are known to travel across the Atlantic, but the Pacific is three times as broad!

Another surprise is that green turtles, tagged near the equator, go in huge loops around the Pacific.  The data thus far indicates they may travel around the ocean up to three times in a lifetime (near perpetual movement).

Now finishing it's fourth year (with six to go), the census is finding new species everywhere, including in heavily studied waters like those off Europe.

Columbian police reported yesterday that an unborn child was abducted by C-section.  The mother, Sol Angela Cartagena, was apparently drugged while at the hospital cafeteria in Girardot, southwest of Bogota.  She awoke in the countryside, her 2-year-old daughter still with her, but her unborn child was gone.

Doctors believe Cartagena is lucky to be alive.  They confirmed she had been drugged before the operation but are unsure where it was performed.

Police captured the woman who had the baby after she was seen with it wrapped in a sheet by those who knew she had not been pregnant.

The baby was dehydrated but otherwise in good condition.

Although Columbia has the highest kidnapping rate (more than 3,000 per year), authorities believe this is the first time an unborn child has been abducted.

How's that for bizarre?

My hosting provider will be performing some circuit and router upgrades Tuesday morning (November 23) beginning around 1:00 AM CST (UTC-06:00).  You can expect the site to be unavailable for up to 30 minutes sometime that morning as the work is performed.

Once again we find ourselves in the throes of the horrordays, that time from Thanksgiving through January 2 when we try so desperately to be happy that we depress ourselves and heap upon our own heads levels of stress likened to that experienced only by the male black widow spider right after mating.

We'll stress about whose Thanksgiving dinner and whose Christmas dinner we'll attend.

We'll have to get up too early on days when we shouldn't have to.

We'll eat too much and wonder how we let ourselves get so out of control.

We'll spend far too much time worrying about spending enough on people so as not to appear cheap while trying to be mindful of the need to be able to pay our bills.

We'll struggle through all too large crowds at malls and stores in an attempt to satisfy everyone in our life.

We'll fight maddening crowds and traffic and will, as a result, experience the true holiday spirit (including that curious middle-fingered gesture which must surely be American for good tidings of comfort and joy).

We'll not have enough time to finish everything we need to do for everyone.

We'll have to deal with that one alcoholic uncle that no one can stand and, sadly, no one can stand up to.

We'll spend too much time running to and fro and not enough time enjoying ourselves.

We'll get up early to cook meals and stay up late to entertain and wonder why we're so tired later and not very well rested after a long weekend.

We'll play nice with everyone around us so as not to hurt feelings even when we hate that stupid plaid sweater the ditsy aunt bought for us…again.

We'll sit politely in mixed company and not show affection for our significant other because too many heterosexuals don't think it's OK for gay people to display their affection publicly like the rest of the world.

We'll graciously say thank you to all those who gave us a gift even when we hate most of them (the gifts and the givers).

We'll fight off nausea when we have to sit next to our grandmother who literally bathes in that perfume that finally clears up the question about that funny smell in assisted-living facilities.

We'll drink too much and suffer through too many hangovers because chemical alteration is the only way to safely survive the time of year.

We'll worry about what we gave everyone and whether they'll like it or not despite the fact that we abhor most of those people anyway.

We'll feel terribly uncomfortable around our Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Taoist, Hindu, atheist, agnostic, and all other non-Christians because our exclusive club is having a party and they're not.

We'll spend more money than we should because it's not the thought that counts as much as the price.

We'll be inundated with commercial concerns: how much did you spend overall? what did that gift cost? how much do you think they spent on this? did you keep all the receipts so most of them can surreptitiously be returned later by the recipients?

We'll fight and argue with those we love because we'll have long ago passed the level of stress our bodies and minds are capable of withstanding.

We'll be upset when the boss doesn't let us leave work early on December 24, even though it's not an official holiday, since Christmas falls on a Saturday this year.

We'll awake on January 1 feeling as though bombs have gone off in our heads and biological warfare agents were dumped in our bellies.

We'll return to work on January 3 of 2005 feeling as though we've been on the losing side of combat for the last few months.

So, again, I say happy horrordays.  I'll stick with the simple approach — spending quality time with friends and family.

Dawn, Derek's sister, sent this to me the other day.  Perhaps I'm slow and don't get out much, but this was new to me and I thought it rather funny.

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,…Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.  "Here" she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan, removing his loincloth and showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.  Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel."

One of my employees forwarded this to me the other day.  I’ve seen variations on this theme before, but I don’t believe I’ve seen it covered in such depth.

Be warned — this is the epitome of toilet humor.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from.  Be careful when you do this.  Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.  Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.  Walk in and check for other poopers.  If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.  Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLIER.  People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall.  This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.  If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.  Pretend it did not happen.  If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.  No one likes an ESCAPEE.  It is uncomfortable for all involved.  Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.  This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.  If this should happen, do not panic.  Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.  This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.  This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.  This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.  As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.  Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.  You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.  Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.  This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERs, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.  Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.  This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open.  This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.  If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves.  This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall.  This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARs.  Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARs that you are occupying a stall.  This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.  If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.  This is also an embarrassing incident.  If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion.  See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.  Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE.  Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.  You can also use that moment to noisily procure a handful of toilet paper.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.  Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.  An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.  This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[via Z]

If you've never visited Betty Bowers' site, you are in for a real treat.  Mrs. Bowers is undoubtedly the most right-wing Republican on the planet and America's Best Christian.  She doesn't mince words when calling those evil liberals to the carpet and for pointing it out when fellow Christians fail to walk the straight and narrow.  Since she's undoubtedly a better Christian than anyone else, it is unwise to question her tutelage.

Although I highly recommend you visit Betty Bowers on a regular basis to ensure you haven't slipped from the path of the Republican Righteous, I believe it's important to point out her report on the 2004 election.  With the election so recently completed, this is important information you simply can't miss.

Mrs. Bowers takes the time point out all of the recipients of the "Friends of Our Lord" awards for "service to the GOP during the 2004 election beyond the call of either duty or reason."

Delay no further.  Rush right over and read Betty Bowers' report on the 2004 election.  You won't be disappointed.

I’ve grown tired of the theme on my site.  It’s tedious and bores me.  I’ve been working on some changes (in the background) to set the stage for a new theme.  Many of the changes are transparent right now because they don’t impact this theme.  There are some cool features that are worth a mention, though.

One thing you’ll see in the new theme for this site are short URLs.  You’ve undoubtedly seen the somewhat lengthy addresses used to pull data from this site.  Those URLs contain quite a bit of information, such as the application to load, the function to call, the database index for the information needed, and so on.  That doesn’t help when you try to e-mail them, though, as they tend to get mashed.

For instance, the About me page has a URL that looks like this.

http://www.xenogere.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article& sid=442

Since so many of the pages use predictable URLs, it seems it would be simple to create shorter URLs by mapping all of the functions into rewrite rules for this site.  Well, the rules are complete and have been in production on the server for a little over a week for testing.  So far things look good (not that there weren’t problems — like when I disabled access to all of the pages on the site [oops]).

Using the new rewrite rules, the URL above can be shortened to this.

http://www.xenogere.com/article442.html

Isn’t that cool?  You can use the link and see that it works just like the long address above it.  The difference is the first URL is the complete command for the site to execute while the second one is code telling the server to expand the address into the full command before handing it to the site.

I know, it’s very cool but you want to know when the hell it’s going to be in place?  I’m putting the plan together for a new theme and will be sending it out for bids in the next few weeks.  Yes, I’ve decided to hire someone to do it for me.  Be honest…  Look at the current theme and ask yourself if you really want me designing the next one.

I doubt it.

I don’t know how long it’ll take someone to design, develop and code a theme, but, if I can get the plan completed and sent out for bids, I’ll be that much closer to giving the site a major facelift.

So stay tuned…