the leafless limbs are stark
as they stand out within the moonlight
I stare at your face through the dark
as your memories drain me of might
you once were my only true love
as no other lover could be
I always am dedicated to you, love
even as you forget me
no other can take your place
within my heart this day
as I stare upon your face
this cold, dark winter's day

[circa 1992]

I only dream in shades of gray these days.  Life seems to have taken on a hue less colorful than before.  I struggle to comprehend what I'm feeling, where I'm going, what I'm doing.  Has some part of me lost its way?

It seems that just a few short months ago I was mourning Derek's passing.  I lamented the loss of such a good friend, the horrible pain and anguish he went through in his last few years, the heartache I knew his family was feeling, and, even if somewhat selfishly, the emptiness I felt without him around.

I have struggled to get through it all.  There are times even now when I cannot help but think of Derek, perhaps in some context with The Kids, perhaps because of something I see or read in the news, or perhaps only because I enjoyed spending time with him and miss him so.

It has been almost four months since he died, yet it's like I'm waiting for time to fix some part of me that keeps on breaking.

Most of my own anguish has been caused by guilt — guilt for being upset about the whole situation just a few short months before he passed away, guilt about the uncontrollable anger I've felt for many reasons, and guilt about calling his family when Derek had made me promise time and again not to.

Guilt is a funny thing.  There's nothing so bad that you can't add a little guilt to it to make it worse.  There's nothing so good that you can't add a little guilt to it to make it better.

But guilt distracts us from the greater truth of what we're feeling.  That is what makes it such a powerful weapon, something a limited few members of Derek's family have attempted on me.

It's sad.  As if I hadn't already been through enough and hadn't already suffered long and hard just to take care of Derek during his last years, some misguided souls from his family have made it their quest in life to place all the blame at my feet — the blame for Derek's situation and the blame for their own absence from his care for the two years before he died.

It angers me.  It's a betrayal of Derek's legacy and life.  Empty promises of understanding and shallow attempts to betray what it is to be human simply make the situation worse.  The most offensive aspect is that these same people are breaking promises they made to Derek in his last days just so they can throw their own guilt in my direction.

But that is blindness caused by guilt.

Life is already a confusing deluge of events and people.  From our perspective, it can be confusing and overwhelming.  I like to think that from the best perspectives, though, life… everything… even death… makes sense.

Life is not just a kaleidoscope of sensory and emotional overload.  We're all connected.  It's beautiful.  It's funny.  It's scary.  And it's good.

Sometimes it doesn't make sense from our perspective here in the heart of life where we seem to have no control.

Despite these things, however, we humans have an inherent ability to heal ourselves.  We seem intent on living through even the worst heartaches and anguish.  How?  Practice.

Life is about living, something even I myself have written about before and know in my heart.

I need to find a way to get past this.

Last Sunday I was so tired that I didn’t want to do anything except be a complete sloth, so I went to Blockbuster and both rented and purchased some movies to help me waste away the day.  By the time I went to bed that night I had watched six different movies and had truly wasted the entire day (much to my own satisfaction as I’d not enjoyed a lazy day in more than six months).

The Chronicles of Riddick turned out to be a much better movie than I had anticipated.  As a sequel to Pitch Black, I was not expecting much when I watched it.  Pitch Black was at best an OK movie.  For that reason I had not expected much from The Chronicles of Riddick.

Vin Diesel returned as the anti-hero Riddick, five years after the Pitch Black story line, who finds himself in the middle of a galactic war.  As you might expect, it falls to Riddick (someone we know as a bloodthirsty criminal) to save mankind.

The special effects are excellent, the story is surprisingly full of depth, and it never hurts to have someone like Vin Diesel to look at for a few hours (that’s a body built for sin!).  I was pleasantly surprised by The Chronicles of Riddick and would absolutely recommend seeing it — but don’t expect too much from it.  It is a sequel which happens to be significantly better than its predecessor, but it’s not going to go down in the annals of history as anything more than just another sci-fi adventure.

It is a B movie, so one must expect the repercussions thereof.  It suffers from tissue-thin plotting (or should that be “plodding”?), a horrifically apparent lack of character development, and what could only be described as skimpy roles that appear to waste the talents of Thandie Newton and Judi Dench.  Despite these shortcomings, however, the movie is what it is — a mediocre story brought to vivid life on a vast digital landscape with the conceptual allure of a lavish graphic novel.

After the frigid arctic blast we got last week (struggling to make it up to freezing several days in a row), we're back to the 60s and 70s this week.  It's amazing that more people aren't sick.  I want winter.  I like cold weather and much prefer that to anything else.  Now that it's officially winter, I'd like some winter weather, please and thank you very much.

Dallas has never had a strong mayor.  Our system of government is based on a city manager who controls the city budget, the city personnel, and the city programs.  Although we elect our mayor, the position itself has very little control over what happens in Dallas.  The position of mayor could actually be called “chairman of the city council” and “head of marketing” as those are the only real duties assigned to the mayor's position.  The city manager, on the other hand, has complete control over the city while not being elected — meaning the city manager is not answerable to the people.

As far as I'm concerned, that's a big problem.

A group calling themselves "Citizens for a Strong Mayor" recently put together enough registered voter signatures to get the issue put on the ballot in our election to be held May 7, 2005.

Regardless of what others may say, this city needs a new form of government.  As it's currently implemented, our city government is neither by nor for the people.  The city manager does not answer to the people, so we have no direct control over our own government.

Beth Ann Blackwood, a member of "Citizens for a Strong Mayor," recently said, "I am confident that after the discussion has taken place that the people will decide that they want to have greater accountability in government.  They want to actually be able to elect or not elect the person in charge of the city."

I agree wholeheartedly.  Let's hope she's right in that the people of Dallas will also want to have more direct control over our government.  It'll all depend on the proposed solution, though, as not all strong mayor plans are equal.

Before he left town for Christmas, Rick had rented Hero and asked me if I’d like to watch it before returning it to the store.  I wanted to see this movie when it was in theaters, so I gladly took it from him and watched it last night.

Originally called Ying xiong in Japan, Hero is a wonder-inspiring historical adventure set in pre-unified China.  This is truly one of the most achingly beautiful films I’ve seen.  It rivals Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (originally called Wo hu cang long) in the majestic beauty of its cinematography.  The fight scenes are a wonder to behold, the colors are breathtaking, and the cinematography is awe-inspiring.

The plot is built around a series of flashback accounts that shape the story of how one man defeated three assassins who sought to murder the most powerful warlord in pre-unified China.  Some critics of this film have suggested that the storyline is a bit plodding and portentous.  I found the movie to be neither but would have enjoyed it as much even if that had been the case.  This film is simply stunning, and I don’t just mean visually.

The tales and counter-tales which define the story may seem a bit confusing at first, but this is part of the movie’s allure.  The conspiracy and character dynamics wrapped inside the story are only best understood when all of the pieces have come together at the end, but it’s impossible to grasp the motivations of the characters without comprehending the intricacies of the stories which bind them together.

As a martial arts movie, Hero doesn’t disappoint.  The fight scenes are spectacular.  There is always that touch of metaphysical skill which gives the characters abilities beyond normal man, but these are not over-the-top fight scenes that cause us to laugh — they are instead fight scenes which draw us in and hold us breathless until the end.

If you enjoyed Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, you will surely enjoy Hero as well.  I assure you that this movie is well worth your time.  I’ll be adding this one to my collection.

The glass is not half full or half empty; it is oversized and costs too much money.

I couldn't decide how best to wish everyone a happy holiday season.  Saying "Merry Christmas" is exclusionary since it doesn't include Chanukah (hanukkah for you heathens that can't spell correctly), Kwanzaa, the winter solstice (fondly referred to as Saturnalia by the Caesars among us), Ramadan and a large number of other religious and non-religious celebrations which take place at this time of year.  More importantly, saying "Merry Christmas" legitimizes the Christians' theft of this time of year (as well as many of the Christmas traditions) from their pagan brethren.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it's the Christians who are being exclusionary by demanding that we all celebrate Christmas.  What they don't admit is that Christmas is not a religious holiday at all but was instead stolen from pagan religions by Christianity (driven by jealousy over the great food and abundance of adult beverages, I'm sure).

Ancient Babylonians believed the son of the queen of heaven was born around this time of the year.

Ancient Egyptians believed the god-man and savior Osiris died and was entombed around this time of year and that his death gave life to the son of Isis who was born around — you guessed it — December 25 (the feast of the Son of Isis was celebrated on December 25).

Ancient Greece celebrated Lenaea at this time of year (note that Lenaea is "The Festival of Wild Women").

Ancient Rome celebrated a myriad of holidays during this time of year which were eventually consolidated by Emperor Aurelian into the Dies Natalis Invicti Solis, or "Birthday of the Unconquered Son," which was celebrated on — here's a shock! — December 25 (note that this new holiday was a combination of celebrations of various saviors including Appolo, Attis, Baal, Dionysus, Helios, Hercules, Horus, Mithra, Osiris, Perseus, and Theseus).

The winter solstice has been celebrated at this time of year since ancient days (including the Druids of Celtic origin who called it Alban Arthuan).  The Druids and other pagans of Northern Europe celebrated Yule at the winter solstice (Yule was symbolic of the pagan Sun God, Mithras, being born).

Buddhists celebrate the Rohatsu (Bodhi Day) at this time of year which has its origins in 596 BCE (BCE means before the common era and is used in place of BC; CE, or common era, is used in place of AD; both are preferable to the AD & BC connotations as those are based solely on Christianity).

The Incans celebrated a festival called Inti Raymi at the time of the winter solstice.

Iranians have celebrated Shab-e Yaldaa since before Islam became the state religion (Zoroastrianism was the state religion before Islam and is the origin of Shab-e Yaldaa).

Judaism celebrates Chanukah at this time of year as a celebration of the Maccabees' retaking of the Temple in Jerusalem three years after it was conquered by Antiochus, the king of Syria.

Islam celebrates Ramadan around this time of year (although Ramadan is not tied to the winter solstice but is instead tied to the first sighting of the crescent moon; because it's lunar-based, Ramadan occurs approximately 11 days earlier each year).

Many Native American tribes celebrated diverse festivals in honor of the winter solstice (e.g. the Pueblo tribe observed both the summer and winter solstices and the Hopi tribe celebrated the Soyal during the winter solstice).

Shall I go on?

The idea of Christmas trees was actually taken from the Celtic Druids of Northern Europe who decorated a tree at this time of year to celebrate the winter solstice.  The Puritans of early America actually banned Christmas trees because they were considered pagan (due to their origin).

Historians who believe that Jesus was a real man say that all records indicate he was born in autumn (around September).  Christians originally celebrated his birth in spring but moved it to December to compete with the pagan holidays and celebrations taking place at that time.

Yule means "wheel" and was part of the ancient Druid celebrations because the wheel was a pagan symbol of the sun.

Mistletoe was considered a sacred plant, and the custom of kissing under the mistletoe began as a fertility ritual.

Hollyberries were thought to be a food of the gods.

I could of course continue to draw out all of the Christmas traditions and beliefs and align them with their pagan counterparts which predate the Christian traditions by, in some cases, many millennia, but I think I've made my point.

The fact is that saying "Merry Christmas" is exclusionary and gives credence to a religious holiday which has its foundation in the theft of celebrations and traditions from many religious and non-religious groups which existed long before Christianity.  The ranting and raving of Christians about the rest of us having to put up with "Merry Christmas" is laughable since none of them appear to have a clue about its origins.

Since the truth is inarguable, I'd like to wish everyone a very happy holiday season (regardless of which holiday, if any, that you celebrate).  May the spirit of the season, not the false religious propaganda, be reason enough to celebrate.

Jenny sent this link to me the other day and I just had to share it with you.  It's the story (with photos) of two beautiful cats, Iris and Fern, who obviously find great joy in the Christmas season.  Actually, they find great joy in helping decorate the Christmas tree so they can play in it later.  There are some priceless photos of these two characters wallowing in the Christmas spirit (even to the dismay of their parents).  Their decorating skills are matched only by their un-decorating skills.

http://www.fluffytails.ca/christmas.asp

It's been so mild here that I thought for a while that winter would never come.  It was 65 yesterday and 75 the day before.  Not today, though.  Our high today was the low from last night (about 38, I think) and the temperature has been dropping since then.  It's 28 as I'm writing this post — at 4:45 in the afternoon.  Even more important is that it's been snowing since about 10 AM this morning.  It started as rain, then there was some sleet added in, then some snow, and eventually it all changed to snow.

It's been heavy at times but has for the majority of the time been light to moderate.  I think we've had about an inch at most.

I've tried to snap a few photos while working today.  Hopefully I'll have some gallery updates from this introduction to winter (regardless of how abrupt it was).