What kind of love fades in and out based on mood?  Is it true love to go up and down like that, all according to how someone feels?  It seems odd to me, at least, to think it normal.

But we all conceal secret emotions, do we not?  Is that not part and parcel of the human condition?  And that despite the hidden darkness of our hearts?

Inside me rages the same life and death struggle all others endure.  Why then does it seem so abhorrent to me?  Is it because I lose the battle more often than I win it?

I am so humanly weak, I’m afraid.  To the core, in fact, and deep within I am but a child struggling against that which I do not fully comprehend.  It is my own doing that makes me this way.  I feel hopeless.  I feel heartless.  I feel I am nothing without you.

My proclamations of belief in mercy and compassion and humanity fall on my own unhearing ears.  It is too easy for me to say such things.  If I find myself capable of declaring such passions, why then do I not dispense them?  I gladly receive them from others as though owed such treatment.  Am I so selfish and uncertain that I feel deserving of these gifts while failing to give them to others?

Without you I fear no light shines within me.  It is with the simple loss of you my own loving heart fails.  I need your love inside me and without it I don’t know what I will do.

Am I nothing?

[circa 1985]

Work is kicking my ass

So, like, work has been totally, like, kicking my ass and stuff.  I mean, I'm so like, for sure.  These people are, like, totally noshing my personal time.

I've been somewhat remiss in posting over the last few weeks because of work.  We have some major projects going on, all with far too aggressive schedules and all piled up at the same time, and I'm right in the middle of all of them.

For the last three months I've worked nearly every weekend.  For the last six weeks I've averaged at least 80 hours per week.  Needless to say I've not been able to post as much as I would have liked.

Although I don't see things at work slowing down much before the new year, I do hope to find some personal time to get some updates posted here.

Don't fret — I'm still kickin'.