We will be with all the world
Sunday March 20, 2005 at 8:57 am
The heroes of all time have gone before us. The labyrinth is thoroughly known. We have only to follow the thread of the hero path, and where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god. And where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves. Where we had thought to travel outward, we will come to the center of our own existence. And where we had thought to be alone, we will be with all the world.
— Joseph Campbell, The Hero With a Thousand Faces
I began to respond to Jenny’s comments to this posting and eventually realized that my response was going to be more than just another set of comments. I therefore decided I would dedicate a new posting to my response.
Let’s begin with Jenny’s comments.
I was checking the weather around the country and saw how cold it was in Buffalo, thought of how much Derek hated the cold. It made me sad, very very sad to think of that. He loved sunshine and warmth, heat even. I think of him alot actually, I wish he could see my house and garden. And I berate myself for not acting sooner and more forcibly, not doing something, maybe there was something I could have said or done…. I just wish I’d grabbed him and hauled him off somehow to the hospital when he was so thin, when I knew he was sick……
Now let me respond.
I have given much thought to this situation since Derek’s passing last September. My response below is what I myself have been learning since then.
Hindsight is always 20/20. If second-guessing every decision which was not ours to make and every event which was not ours to control ever produced an ounce of usable action which cold somehow reverse the course of events which already are, the world would be a far different — a far better — place. It is through regret that we mature and it is through loss that we learn to cherish what we have, yet it is through hindsight that we deprecate our own lives and diminish the good within by trying to convince ourselves of some failure, some shortcoming, some awful deed we committed or some critical deed we left undone. Sadly this accomplishes little except to berate our own sense of self worth.
I do look back and think that he might have been better had he sought medical attention much sooner than he did, but that is not something anyone except Derek could have made happen. The choice, ultimately, was his and no one else’s.
We tried, Sweetie, but he didn’t listen. We pushed and he pushed back. We did everything we could, but the impetus was ultimately on Derek to take action and he didn’t until it was already too late.
It’s sad, it’s disheartening, it’s upsetting, it’s lamentable, but it’s not your fault and it’s not my fault. It’s also not Derek’s fault because there is no blame except for the disease itself. Sure, had Derek sought medical care earlier things might not have gotten so bad and he might still be alive today, but I will not attempt to unravel the mysteries of why things happen the way they happen just to second-guess what already is, what was, what cannot be changed. It accomplishes nothing.
What might have been has never changed what is.
Derek is gone and no amount of hindsight will ever change that. The decisions that were made were his to make and there was nothing we could have done to change them. Every person is endowed with free will and the responsibility to make their own decisions; that will never change. We made it clear what needed to be done, but it was still up to Derek to do as he wished.
Death is a natural progression of life. It’s the end of the journey for every person on the planet, for every living thing. It’s normal even when we don’t like it, even when it hits close to him, even when we think we could have changed the outcome by responding differently to those events which seemed to portend the realization of mortality.
One cannot reach enlightenment by running from death.
The universe is simply too large for us to be able to control events to the degree which we would like. In the grand scheme of things, we simply have very little control over how things unfold.
The best we can do is judge ourselves by the intentions of our actions and not by the actions or their outcomes.
Let me close by paraphrasing a rather Taoistic television character.
The success or failure of your deeds does not add up to the sum of your life. Your spirit — the motivation which drives you to do the things you do — cannot be weighed. Judge yourself by the intention of your actions and by the strength with which you faced the challenges that have stood in your way.
The universe is vast and we are so small. There is really only one thing we can ever truly control: whether we are good or evil.
jason
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March 29th, 2005 at 10:03 pm
I *know* that it was his decision to delay (or, as I perceived it, to delay) seeking medical treatment and then pursuing it more aggressively until it was late. Very late. I know that in my head, but my heart isn’t so sure. Since he wouldn’t listen to you, his closest friend, his still roommate, then it is indeed grandiose of me to think I would have had any influence. Or any additional influence. This doesn’t, however, seem to absolve me of my self-imposed responsibility to have taken stronger action. There were a couple of times I think I went along with him, I may have glanced at you, but I bit my tongue, I didn’t grab him and say, in his face, Derek, you are sick. You are sick, I love you, please, you need to see a doctor. You have AIDS, I know it, you know it, Jas knows it. And Jas, you and I know this disease, you and I were new to this. I’m not sure Derek had as much experience of it as we had. And we knew it was denial, it went hand in hand with his usual refusal to see a doctor regardless of the issue, but his thinness and that finger, that finger……
You are right, that ultimately he made those decisions, and we could not have forced him or forced anything, but I feel next time, I won’t let it go so easily. It isn’t the outcome, that might have been no different, it’s just that I’m not sure I did all I could. But it probably wouldn’t have made any difference, or made much difference. The time to have acted was even before his finger got like that and before he got so thin, it was a time really only he could have taken action enough because only he knew. And even so, the disease is different for everyone, there is no way to know if it would have made any difference at all.
And what you have said above is quite true and is comforting in a way. It is comforting that we were there together, because it helped each of us, it helped all 3 of us, and I hope that isn’t presumptious of me. And he knew you loved him, that was so important to him, more than you know.
April 2nd, 2005 at 12:35 pm
We can only be responsible for our own actions, Jenny. It’s the height of hauteur to believe we can ever control anyone or anything. It’s not even possible for us to control the outcome of our own actions, so how could we begin to believe that we can force anyone to do anything?
Ignoring the fallacious belief that we are able to control events to a degree so as to always cause the desired outcome, it’s more than common sense to understand that life is a chaotic system. We can’t possibly understand the outcome of interactions between so many different variables — none of which we can control. I struggled for some time, blaming myself for not “taking control of the situation” earlier and forcing him to seek help.
How pompous of me! Who am I to believe that it’s within my power to force anyone to do anything? I can’t even control events in my own life.
No, Sweetie, blaming yourself for something you couldn’t control and punishing yourself for not having acted more aggressively are both self-deceptive. You presume hegemony where none exists.
Life is a chaotic system. The interaction of so many different pieces and parts cannot be controlled nor the outcome foreseen.
I have to believe we did what we could. I do believe, regardless of what we thought we could have done differently, that the situation still would not have been ours to command.
Don’t torture yourself. Don’t blame yourself. As I said above, we are not even able to control the outcome of our own actions, so how can we even believe ourselves capable of controlling someone else?
What is important is the intention of the actions, not the outcome. You are only responsible for what you can control, and the only thing you can truly control is the intention of your life, your actions — whether you are good or evil.
April 3rd, 2005 at 4:15 pm
It may be the height of hauteur to presume that we can control, but we can and do influence. I don’t blame myself, nor do I ‘torture’ myself, sorry if I gave that impression, feel that I could have done better, perhaps. As you say, our intentions are what is ultimately the decider.
April 3rd, 2005 at 8:39 pm
I didn’t mean to make that sound like an insult as that was not the intention. I do think it’s human arrogance that makes us think we can somehow control such events, but this is true of all humans. This is something we’re all taught — that we really are in control of what goes on around us.
Personally I have enough difficulty just trying to keep my own life on track, so it seems almost laughable that I’d think myself capable of also commanding someone else’s.
The truth is that we tried, Sweetie, but the situation was not ours to control. As much as we’d like to think otherwise, we were observers at best. What we said and what we did were all intended well and were understood by Derek. The final decision, however, was his to make and would only be made based on how he chose to look at the situation.
The best we could do was recommend action and try to make him understand the seriousness of his condition.
I’ve struggled enough with this and have all but bludgeoned myself with guilt. After I led myself through the anger and self-doubt and self-imposed emotional dirge, I began to realize that I had done my best. That is all one could hope and ask for.
We can make no one do anything, especially if it’s something they do not wish to do or do not see the need for. I’d like to think we could have changed the outcome, somehow manipulated events to provide the desired result. Derek was the only one who could have done that.
April 4th, 2005 at 4:18 pm
I know and you are right, we did all we could, and that was indeed, all we could do.