And so there it is

The entire story in its current draft is now available.  Enjoy.

I’m hoping the ending still provides some surprises even if you had already guessed the direction of what was happening.  I’ll again say I was a bit overzealous near the end and revealed more than I intended, but oh well.  It is a draft after all.

I’m offering this post for feedback given the restrictions on the story itself.

Please spare no feelings.  Use the comments of this post to say what you will.  Be critical.  Be brutal.  Be honest.

Talk about the story itself.  Was it interesting?  Was it original enough to be worth your time?  Did it hold your attention?  Did it provide the answers you were looking for (please note on that I had no intention of providing all of the answers)?  Etc.?

Talk about the style.  Was it acceptable?  Was it a comfortable read (the intention being it should read as easily as you speak)?  Was there difficulty anywhere?

Talk about the form.  Did it move too quickly or not quickly enough?  Did it just suck?

Talk about whatever critique you have.  Be critical as necessary.  I want honesty, even brutal honesty.  I want to know whether it was worth the effort or not, why or why not, and so on.

If I intend to work this into something more than a short story or novella, I want at least some comfort from my friends in knowing it’s worth the effort.  I have plenty of other ideas to work on and can spend my time elsewhere if this is a dud.  I can easily tighten it and clean the draft into a reasonable short story (novella if it grows), but I’m far more interested in really working this over into a novel if possible.

5 thoughts on “And so there it is”

  1. Bravo!

    Yes, toward the end you gave me enough information to figure out where it was going. Of course, it leaves much left unanswered, which a part of me hates, but a larger part appreciates. This is the kind of story that people will discuss after reading, each postulating their own theory of exactly what the other world is.

    My only criticism of any kind is something I mentioned before. It starts slowly, not in itself a bad thing, but perhaps some readers might need a little something odd at the beginning…a non sequitur…something.

    Again, bravo, very twisted, very Jason. VERY enjoyable.

  2. See the post a few items down called “There are changes coming to Kingswell” and e-mail me if you don’t have one of the pieces of info needed to generate the password. That entry explains why I protected the story. Sorry for the confusion.

  3. I keep reminding myself it’s a draft, but let me be self-critical for a moment. I’ll try not to give away too much of how it will ultimately work out.

    I bombed on the descriptive language, creative comparisons, and general atmosphere, I think, and all because I was hurrying to write it and not focusing on telling it.

    It started slowly because I intended it to be much longer. Part of my change of pace after the beginning was the desire to get the general story and idea onto paper ASAP. Also, I let myself be bogged down with trying to spit it out in logical and semi-equal blocks that could be posted online.

    I was very disappointed in the lack of character development. That’s most true with Dave and Beth. I wanted more flashbacks to their marriage as current events reminded Dave of past events (like the leaning-against-the-door story).

    I failed entirely to make Dave’s grief over Beth’s accident seem like more than a tool in the plot, and it was a weak one at that.

    There should have been some preliminary indications of what was to come. They were lost in the drafting process, I’m afraid.

    I wasn’t at all happy with the final monologue, but that stems from being too generous in the second dream. I stole my own thunder.

    I’m not at all happy with the telling of his conversation with his parents or what he did afterward.

    There’s an important set of ambiguities I want the reader to have when they’re done. I didn’t make that happen in this version (I blame it all on that second dream sequence because it was far too generous).

    I feel I painted myself into a corner on Dave’s fate.

    It should have grown darker and darker as it went along, and the ending should be especially dark. That didn’t translate well in this version.

    I have complaints about the dialog and many aspects of the style and mechanics of the writing itself. Haste makes a mess, they say (or something like that).

    Again, it’s a draft, and it served its purpose (to get the idea and main story mechanism out of my head so they weren’t lost). Now it’s time to go back and improve it, expand it, correct it, edit it, tighten it up, and so on. I hope — I REALLY HOPE — the next version you hear about/see something about is the final manuscript (preferably for a novel, but I’m willing to restrain that fantasy if it degrades the story too much). We shall see.

  4. Thanks for the compliment, mArniAc. I appreciate the feedback and am more than thrilled you found it enjoyable. When next you see it, I hope you can be equally generous with your praise.

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