Yes, I intentionally selected today’s Vocabularium entry.
Things have grown increasingly difficult in my life. And I mean capital-D Difficult. That’s not to say I’m overwhelmed with a hopeless sense of dread, but I am teetering on the edge of that abyss.
Having been out of work for a year and finding it unexpectedly challenging to find a job, especially after my own error in blatantly advertising this sabbatical on my résumé when I first began looking, it would be safe to say my financial situation has become simple to manage. That is, when one has absolutely no money, it’s quite easy to determine what bills to pay and what money should be spent on what necessities.
Yet things are never that simple.
Then there is rent. Keeping a roof over our heads is of the utmost importance. Thankfully I’ve had a few friends willing and able to help in that regard, but I can’t rely on or expect that level of generosity.
Having a place to live and sleep is only the tip of the iceberg, however, since connectivity is needed to continue my job search, electricity is required to keep the lights on and computer powered, water seems a necessary prerequisite for taking showers, doing laundry, and washing dishes, not to mention for drinking, and the list of must-haves goes on.
An additional expense is the web infrastructure that hosts sites and services for several people. When I began offering that to friends and family, I was basically rolling in money and therefore provided the service at no charge. Now, though, the costs remain while my ability to cover them does not. To add insult to that injury, I originally paid the costs associated with domain registrations for several of these sites. Many of those are coming due for renewal over the course of the next several months, with at least a few expiring in the next thirty days.
Car insurance is a legal requirement in Texas. Not only that, but it’s essential given the overwhelming idiocy on the roads here. Being without it is simply not an option.
Like The Kids, I must eat. One does not get through life easily without nourishment…or so I’ve been told. Then again, I did see some guy on the news recently who ate rocks and dirt.
Let me stop there. I see no need to wallow further in distressing facts I can’t change. All the same, at least writing this much has been cathartic to a degree, a temporary reprieve from woes I can neither change nor address. At least not yet.
And where does this leave me?
Discontent. Worried. Dysphoric. Apprehensive. And a litany of other adjectives that grow increasingly distressful.
All I can do is focus on my job search and keep my options open, refusing no opportunity that can provide some relief—even if insufficient to remedy the entire situation. Most important of all, I must ensure The Kids’ safety, well-being, and health. None of this is of their doing. I committed to provide them with a life free from worry and harm, and so I shall provide one.
In spite of the many obligations and needs, though, I find myself increasingly mindful of these conditions and my growing want to step outside my own circumstances, to escape the present for a new future. Part of that stems from my newfound dissatisfaction with living in Dallas. Or perhaps ‘newfound’ isn’t the right word. Perhaps I should say my recently matured dissatisfaction because I’ve felt more and more alienated from city life over these past few years.
Is it time to consider a move? To evaluate the world from a different perspective?
I don’t know. What I do know is this: Need is the father of angst, and angst is the father of torment, and torment is the father of despair. Climbing down that ladder is all too easy. Climbing back up is the challenge.