Painfully hobbled

Welcome to another episode of my back is killing me due to surgery performed in 1996 to address “focally accelerated lumbar spondylosis (fusion or decreased motion of the joints) across several intervertebral discs, moderate central spinal stenosis (assumed to be congenital), significant narrowing of the right lateral recess (called lateral recess stenosis), and degenerative disc disease.”

Six hours of surgery, two weeks in the hospital, four months out of work and eighteen months in physical therapy all provided a marvelous reprieve from crippling pain and the looming threat of paralysis.

Nevertheless, as the invasive procedure left my spine working quite differently from most others, from time to time I am assaulted with extreme and debilitating backaches.

This is just such a week.

I awoke Saturday and rolled out of bed with a spry interest in taking a walk.  That would be the only spry activity in which I would engage for who knows how long.

The moment I stood up was the moment I realized things had gone terribly wrong.

Pain?  You betcha.

I’ve been away from work two days already because of it.  I can barely walk across the room.  You think I’m going to drive thirty minutes to work and sit in an office chair all day?  Nope.

So for now I move around like a man three times my age, bent, limping, crippled with excruciating agony.  And I wait for it to be over.

What comes with the darkness

Weather reports indicated storms again tonight.  April in Texas.  It seems the threat of severe weather hangs constantly over our heads, a dangling carrot of tumultuous wrath that tempts Mother Nature’s worst to visit us time and again.  At least spring feels a tad normal this year, what with the tempests we’ve already had and those yet to come.

At approximately 7:00 PM I stepped out and faced east.  The sun already hidden behind thick layers of cloud to the west, I looked into the darkest part of the sky and found it illuminated only by shadows of azure played against the heavy wet cotton billowing overhead, a roiling beauty that hid danger behind artwork.  Sneaky…

Billowing azure clouds preceding a thunderstorm (20080417_03515)

I could feel the storm long before it arrived.  The air was heavy, damp, pressing in from all sides, and the smell of rain mixed with an electrical tinge that floated on every gust.  Leaves blew by me in small tornadoes and straight races.  Every bird who shares this place with me disappeared already.

After fetching a beer from the kitchen as I passed through the house, I stepped out the front door and circled around the drive to the nearest parking lot that faces west.  There I looked the monster dead in the eye.  Where sunset should have been I saw only clouds, only whispers of a star smothered behind a disturbance that overturned the atmosphere as it made its way toward me.  If I could have guaranteed my own safety, it would have been wonderful to walk down to White Rock Lake and watch the beast crawl across the land.

An approaching storm from the west hides the setting sun (20080417_03522)

A few photos captured in waning light and I felt I need only wait to see what came with the darkness.  It felt a bit like Dave Lloyd feels, like what he and his visitors experience when they finally arrive.  I felt a chill for a moment as I watched the western horizon, a chill at how seeing this blackness stalking me from the west felt a bit like seeing Dreamdarkers unfold on a movie screen—one as large as the sky.  Perhaps some of the images will help me write that mental movie with more clarity.

Back inside I visited with The Kids a bit.  Storms don’t really bother them unless they reach the severity of the one that recently blew in some of our windows and broke some of the patio doors.  That got their attention.  Despite my love of storms, I hoped this one would not be quite so invasive.

The clock said it was 7:12 PM CDT.

Perhaps 40 minutes later I could hear its breathing, its howling, its throaty growl that rumbled in fits and starts, and I could see the flash of its teeth with each snarl, flashes that filled the sky with abrupt contrasts.  Like strobe lights in a dance club, the world froze within each luminescent burst.

Again I made my way out to the parking lot.

Lightning dancing amongst the storm clouds overhead (20080417_03579)

Although it had not started raining yet, I found myself dodging various projectiles, from leaves to small limbs and twigs.  You’re just clearing your throat, aren’t you? I thought.

Azures and indigos had given way to a blackness so deep that it swallowed everything.  What brightness came from surrounding lights quickly vanished into the night, a night controlled by a monster of epic proportions.  Unlike Dave Lloyd’s experience, this menace didn’t come with the storm; it was the storm.

Exposed under a dance of lightning within all levels of the clouds, I felt a bit foolhardy, a bit like a storm chaser who forgets their place in the scheme of things and boldly challenges nature to stop them from getting that one good photo, that one memorable view.

Lightning moving through black clouds (20080417_03614)

I wondered how much this sable brute would throw at me before lurching from behind its murky cover to sweep me up and throw me down, to prove its superiority and to punish my hubris.  Each snarl grew nearer, each growl louder and longer.  I felt it staring at me, challenging me to back down before it leaped at me with claws splayed and teeth bared.

Several times the wind pushed me aside and several times debris threatened to wound me or the camera.  I backed up slowly, each step unsure yet certain, and all the while I felt it closing in on me, the storm clouds lowering, bringing the lightning closer, blowing the wind harder, laying the monster’s feet right on the ground.

The preceding outflow from a thunderstorm backlit by lightning above it (20080417_03730)

The outflow had arrived, the shovel at the front of the storm that flipped the atmosphere ahead of the tempest’s rage.  The devil wore it like a hood that cloaked its face until we stood nose to nose.

The heart of the beast would soon follow.

I marveled at how the dance of light between cloud layers defined what came and went—and what had yet to arrive.

The ceiling lifted and opened the door.  What came out would pound the world into submission.

In that brief moment before I turned and hurried back inside, its eyes set upon me, its ravenous breath blew me around, its spiteful rains crashed to the earth with a roar.

One final snarl told me I had overstayed my welcome.

Lightning filling the night sky (20080423_04530)

[taken directly from my off-line journal from the night of April 17; the first five photos are from that night and the last photo is from the night of April 23]

Intervention

European starling (Sturnus vulgaris).

A plague?  Some would have us think as much, what with their vast numbers in certain areas and their anecdotally claimed displacement of native species such as purple martins[1].

Upon introduction to North America, starlings rapidly spread and now represent one of the most numerous birds on the continent.

So when I found a nestling fallen from its home, one pursued by a cat, I at first pondered what I’ve read from so many naturalists who try to trap and/or kill these creatures with specially designed bird houses: Do I let nature takes its course and allow the child to die?

The answer came without hesitation.  Of course not!

It amazes me constantly how nature advocates pick and choose the lives worth saving.  Invasive or not, are starlings not lives, not part of nature?

And if we act on this misguided premise of selecting what life is worth saving, we become no better than the hunters who brought extinction to the North American passenger pigeon and the Tasmanian tiger-wolf.

So I intervened.

With a small box in hand, I captured the child bird and ushered it to the local wildlife rescue and rehabilitation center not too far from where I live.

A third of its body still covered with down, they confirmed what I already knew: this was no fledgling but was instead a nestling, one who could not survive on its own and who would not make it through the night—assuming it even survived long enough to see sunset.

After I stood by and “let nature take its course” with the mockingbird nestlings approximately one year ago, I swore I would not be so idle in the future.  Call me evil for saving an invasive species if you wish.  All I know is I saved a life.

— — — — — — — — — —

[1] Many in the birding and naturalist communities swear an oath unto death that European starlings are responsible for the decimation of native cavity-nesting bird species through fierce competition for nesting sites.  The purple martin stands near the top of that list as the sacrificial species intended to convince others that the starling is not just another bird, but rather that it’s an enemy, one to be hunted and killed—including with false nests that trap the birds once they enter.  Science corroborates this assumption to some extent in localized studies.  The data remain unclear, however, and my feeling is that it’s not hard to believe but it’s also not a reason to become a killer, whether directly or through inaction.

[Update] Thank you to mArniAc who brought to my attention in the comments that I had been somewhat ambiguous when I mentioned that the wildlife rescue folks said the young starling “was no fledgling but was instead a nestling, one who could not survive on its own and who would not make it through the night—assuming it even survived long enough to see sunset.”  It’s not that they or I felt the bird would not make it through the night after its rescue; that statement referred to the bird not surviving on its own had I not rescued it.  It will in fact survive in their capable hands, and I know for certain it will fledge successfully and be released to freedom as a healthy juvenile.  Our local wildlife rescue operation takes its responsibility seriously.  They aid and assist all manner of beings from our urban wildlife refuge.  For them, every creature deserves a chance at life.  I apologize for not being clear in that regard and for making it sound as though they intended to let the bird die.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

Borne of spring

Almost a year ago to the day I sat near the confluence within Sunset Bay and feasted my eyes upon that for which spring is well known: new life at White Rock Lake.  That cloudy, dreary morning yielded the discovery of mallard ducklings foraging in and out of the water as attentive parents remained vigilant and watchful.

What a marvelous joy that experience was.  Each child no larger than my hand, each unsteady on still new legs, each curious and rambunctious yet immediately responsive to the calls of their mother or father.

Then last Saturday as I roamed along the north shore of the bay in front of where the Dreyfuss Club once stood, I spied a mated pair of mallards (Anas platyrhynchos) slowly moving about in the shallows and alligatorweed (Alternanthera philoxeroides).  With them a veritable flotilla of tiny ducklings dashed between plants nibbling on anything and everything that caught their attention.

Four mallard ducklings (Anas platyrhynchos) paddling along near shore (20080426_04822)

Smaller than their predecessors a year ago, these tiny lives measured no larger than the palm of my hand, hatchlings as entertaining as they were clumsy.  But they certainly could swim with relative ease—so long as they didn’t try mixing it with any other activity, I mean.

A mated pair of mallard ducks (Anas platyrhynchos) following along closely behind their young ducklings (20080426_04823)

Mother and father remained close at all times, splitting up when their brood spread out too much and drifting side by side when the whole family converged in one place.  Both of them kept a close eye on me the whole time as I followed along the shore while they slowly made their way northward.

Three mallard ducklings (Anas platyrhynchos) swimming along near shore (20080426_04809)

Unfortunately, I spent more time oohing and aahing, cooing and snickering than I did taking photos.  My attention remained on the antics of these wee tots, on the commendable awareness and attentiveness of the parents.

A mallard duckling (Anas platyrhynchos) taking a quick drink from behind some aquatic plants (20080426_04835)

Mind you, even if I had focused more on photography and less on observation, the constant motion and weaving in and out from between aquatic plants would have made my job all the more difficult.  The ducklings virtually disappeared each time they paddled through the next bunch of leaves and stalks.  From time to time the only indication I had as to their whereabouts came from a tiny beak popping up amidst the flora in an attempt to nibble something well out of reach for one so small.

Two mallard ducklings (Anas platyrhynchos) swimming near shore (20080426_04832)

Passing from cover to cover offered the only clear views I would get.  And when the group spread out too much, I simply found myself overwhelmed trying to appreciate the whole of the scene rather than individual pieces of it.  There are times when it’s simply more important to appreciate the cuteness and splendor of such moments than to try vainly to memorialize it with a camera.

A mated pair of mallard ducks (Anas platyrhynchos) herding their young ducklings along the shore (20080426_04821)

Not wanting to pressure these loving parents too much, I stood back and let them herd the group further along the shore, further away from me on their morning quest.

Ah, the marvels borne of spring.

Noted

Absent.  That at least I’ve been.

This week has been my “on call” week, and a week from hell itself it has been.

My father’s condition remains troubling at best, worsening given the headaches, the aggressive growth of one—if not two—tumors.  And what agony our “modern medicine” causes with its inability to move, to act, to respond to what requires attention, its inept nature, its very “we’re taking yet another guess” mentality.  Are we in the Dark Ages again?

Trials and tribulations with my employer vex me to no end.  To say it’s been a busy week would be to understate it by orders of magnitude.

The list goes on, yes, with relocation plans and job changes and the like, with work on my novels, with attempts to call on friends whom I’ve not seen in quite some time, with attempts to visit upon The Kids the time they deserve…

The list goes on.

I admit I’m overwhelmed at present, clinging to the edifice of desperation that wings its way from life’s cannibalistic nature to the very heart of my being.

I’m ready to weep, to lament my existence.

Or scream.