Preparing

A silent confetti of snow falls delicately from the night sky as potent winds slice through the dark, a bitter and cold blade sweeping endlessly from the north.

Sleet mixes in from time to time and creates a harsh refrain that defies the beauty of this winter storm.

Yet it is the cold, the brutal mother of winter suffering, that reminds me of what we face…

After visiting the family farm Saturday and seeing Mom and Dad after what seemed like forever, I returned home with a heart weighed to the ground with concern, with worry, with an inescapable truth from which I still try to escape.

My father’s health continues spiraling downward around the drain of oblivion, that dark nest in which each of us must birth our last days.

I know Mom notices as well as I, but still I wonder if Dad thinks it goes without seeing when he grips his chest in pain, when the wince of a thousand horrible lashes washes over his face and makes it something terrible, something frightening, something regrettable.

Still the sleet falls, now a torment of glass felled upon a concrete wasteland while beautiful flakes of gigantic snow fill the onslaught’s every empty space…

After the tumor saga earlier this year, his regular checkups remain good in that regard.  His doctor assures him everything looks fine and they feel confident they removed all of the dangerous tissue invading his head.

More checkups, though, many more.  That is his future.  Such tumors return in almost all cases, and they remain dangerous, readily invading the brain at a moment’s notice and causing Alzheimer’s-like suffering along the way.  Only quicker.  Much, much quicker.

And on the heels of that terrible path resting ahead comes the diabetes, the newest invader to torment him when anguish has already inflicted so much, has already given so little of life’s sweetness in trade for the pain.  The endless pain…

Now a veritable thunderstorm of ice falls outside, the rat-tat-tat of machine-gun fire from the sky hitting the world with suddenness.  Suddenness…

Mom said tonight:

Your father isn’t doing very well. His sugar was over 300 last night and he has chest pains a lot. I am concerned to say the least.

250 is the blood sugar level at which the utmost concern must be shown.  But 300?  300?

And the chest pains…  Anyone familiar with diabetes knows the shadowy aura enshrouding that problem no matter his other ailments.

I noticed.  Mom noticed, too, when he grasped at his heart with the terror of someone shot with a gun, the same pain flowing all too easily over his form, echoing loudly on his face as we watched.

The sleet finally overcomes the snow, and that despite the large flakes dancing in the air and drifting effortlessly to the ground.  Autumn has few leaves to hold back the sound of this icy attack.  Winter’s chill makes it all the more noticeable.

One can stack mounds of firewood near the door and still be unprepared for this season.  One can overflow the bed with blankets and comforters while still fighting a chill at night.  One can sit inside the warmth of a home and still battle the mental assurance that, despite the roaring fire and the layers of clothing, we are still cold.  Still cold…

So goes standing in this time and place while looking toward a vista offering few alternatives and little hope.

I know Dad will not read this; I know Mom will.

I can’t refuse the truth that waltzes in every direction I look: The time for preparing has come even if we wish for something else entirely; the road ahead will be painful even if we refuse to accept it as the only path we can travel; and the will of a lifetime now seems destined to pass as we gaze on in utter disbelief.

The snow falls heavily now, leviathan white drifting to and fro on gusts of denial made from arctic angst.

While a few moments ago heavy sleet occupied the vast nothingness filling whatever space could be filled, and the sound of the terrible attack refused to be squelched by even the storm’s fury, now only the silence remains.  The sky rests in the embrace of the snow only, the flitting of hapless flakes in the ether of shadow.  I lose myself in the moment.

What tomorrow brings will forever be nothing more than the hope of days unfulfilled and the terror of fears unrealized.  What tomorrow brings will always be nothing less than the very thing we hope we have prepared for…

To the ends of the Earth – Part 1

My last few attempts to visit Mom and Dad at the family farm met with cataclysmic results.  From major illness to drastic schedule changes at work, I feel robbed of what always has been a joyous road trip coupled with a dive into the depths of nature wrapped in a cloak of family love.

This weekend I intend to right that wrong.

In honor of my out-of-town Saturday, this series of posts shows photos which serve to remind me of a full day.  (Two more posts to go…)

Fog along the highway at sunrise (20081011_13507)

Even as the sun struggled to rise above the clouds blanketing the eastern horizon, fog slithered about the landscape, often rising like a cobra at the road’s edge only to pull back at the last moment.  So many times I found myself captivated by the misty sheet that lay over the world.

At very high speeds I drove by and through marvelous wonders painting the whole of existence with brush strokes made of cloud.  Spectacles to behold still beckoned along this concrete path, I knew, so I drove on.

The sun rising over a busy highway (20081011_13509)

Finally, as if on queue, the sun climbed over the next hill, showed itself beyond the next bend in the road, and it lifted into the sky the beauty of a fire from which we can’t turn our eyes.  Clouds and fog be damned!

The sun rising over a busy highway as fog tries to control the interstate (20081011_13522)

A thin sketch of clouds writ upon the heavens dared intrude where the sun intended to shine morning brightness for all to see.  The silken veil stretched the length of the horizon, but it held no sway over the sunrise.

The sun rising over the highway as the road stretches toward meeting the star (20081011_13524)

I drove right into the heart of morning, as did a great many others, and the indigo behind gave way to golds and reds before.  Even those hues fell away slowly as cyan struggled to rule the early hours.

Birds I never knew – The End

Haphazard photos taken with the assumption that what lurked at the other end of the lens was something more common than what was discovered in the image later.  Running down a hill snapping picture after picture of something flitting about the shore so far away that I felt convinced it would be better displayed in my memories than in the camera.  A flippant photograph, one taken over my shoulder with nary a thought.

I can’t help but think I chance upon a great many of the images shared here, and not by skill or preparation as much as luck.

Which brings us to the end of our story…

A female yellow-rumped warbler (Dendroica coronata) perched behind bare branches (20071228_00463)

A female yellow-rumped warbler (Dendroica coronata).  I saw across the floodplain in a barren tree some tiny bit of movement as I walked through dry grass.  Winter had long taken hold of the world.  That meant no foliage protected whatever life busied itself in the nearby woodlands.  Still trying to gain comfort with my new camera at the time, I held it up and clicked a few images of what I believed to be a mockingbird.  Thankfully the lens knew better than I and helped clear up the confusion by seeing more clearly than I did.

A male yellow-headed blackbird (Xanthocephalus xanthocephalus) standing in the grass next to a tree (20080420_04303)

A male yellow-headed blackbird (Xanthocephalus xanthocephalus).  An infrequent visitor to White Rock Lake, I immediately recognized it the moment I topped the hill at Winfrey Point.  Clouds had long obscured the world when a flash of gold wrapped in the deepest black turned my attention from the drab surroundings.  Far ahead of me down at the shore danced this marvelous creature.  Watching it flit from spot to spot, I ran headlong, nearly tumbling down the hill several times, and I snapped photo after photo along the way.  The bird vanished long before I approached its location.

A spotted sandpiper (Actitis macularia) in non-breeding plumage standing on a pier (IMG_20080106_00986)

A spotted sandpiper (Actitis macularia) in non-breeding plumage.  A marvelous aspect of the lake comes from how localized wildlife can be.  Looking for buffleheads?  You won’t find them in Sunset Bay.  Looking for American white pelicans?  You’ll find them mostly in Sunset Bay.  The whole lake seems apportioned by species with only a select group claiming the entire refuge.  So as I rounded the north shore and spied a pier overflowing with gulls and cormorants, this tiny bird dashing along the edge drew my attention more than the raucous giants who very much dwarfed it.

An eastern phoebe (Sayornis phoebe) perched on a bare branch (20080120_01484)

An eastern phoebe (Sayornis phoebe).  One thing I learned quickly when I started photographing wildlife is this: No matter what creature you hope to capture in an image, you have better luck if they don’t think you’re looking at them.  As large mammals with forward-facing eyes, we automatically come across as predators.  Other animals recognize that and know when those eyes have settled upon their location.  Pretending not to notice has often given me a better opportunity to take a picture or two than has stopping and looking directly at the subject.  So it was with this phoebe who dashed from tree to tree each time I stopped and took aim.  So instead of trying intently, I tried flippantly: Walking by and quickly pressing the button a time or two as I held the camera over my shoulder.

A great crested flycatcher (Myiarchus crinitus) perched on a fence wire (20080523_05733)

A great crested flycatcher (Myiarchus crinitus).  One disadvantage of visiting the family farm stems from the amount of territory it covers.  The house sits atop a hill with pastures and woodlands stretching in all directions.  While standing in the main yard helping my parents tend to the rabbits, a bit of movement far off in the distance caught my eye.  Something loud flew into view and perched atop a fence.  Without thinking, I turned, faced into the sun, zoomed in all the way despite knowing I was ill prepared for such an endeavor, and I pulled the trigger—photographically speaking.  Much to my surprise, I captured this rather poor image of a bird that rarely stands still.

(Honestly, without time to change lenses or get closer, I took four pictures, all the while telling myself I’d get nothing for the effort.  That even one of them showed the actual subject with any clarity brought a great deal of cheer to my heart!)

A juvenile Cooper’s hawk (Accipiter cooperii) perched in a tree (211_1135)

A juvenile Cooper’s hawk (Accipiter cooperii).  Lake Tawakoni impressed me beyond measure.  The giant spider web overwhelmed me with its vast reach and unexpected majesty, yet every direction I turned offered one more surprise…and one more challenge for my little PowerShot S50.  When this accipiter landed in a tree some distance from me, its tail resting comfortably on a branch behind it as the predator surveyed the morning landscape, I scarcely thought I would be able to see it in any of the photos I took.  Small and compact, the camera I had with me offered few answers to the challenges I put before it.  In this case, however, it at least let me know it tried.

An American goldfinch (Carduelis tristis) seen through brush and branches (IMG_20080105_00804)

This poor unidentified bird left me wanting (see update at bottom of post).  Never having seen its face, let alone a profile shot that might offer a bit more of its plumage for comparison, it landed only once in a small stream hidden by brush and branches.  Its song made me turn and look; the click of the camera made it disappear into the sunrise.

A female northern flicker (Colaptes auratus) clinging to the side of a tree as she looks to the side (IMG_20080106_00932)

A female northern flicker (Colaptes auratus).  The rat-tat-tat of pecking above my head called my attention to an otherwise silent visitor.  She clamored along the tree’s bark high in the treetop, and the faint echo of her efforts provided the only evidence of the encounter.  I backed away snapping photo after photo under less than ideal circumstances: the sun had not yet risen above the treeline; a great number of bare branches stood between me and her position; and her color made her all but invisible in such dim light and at such a great distance.  The only thing I could focus on was the spot of red on the back of her neck.

A male house finch (Carpodacus mexicanus) standing on a bit of tall grass (20080629_08622)

A male house finch (Carpodacus mexicanus).  I followed this chap from Garland Road to Sunset Bay (quite a distance for those unfamiliar with White Rock Lake).  He stayed well ahead of me, and each time I got close and tried to take a photo, he darted further ahead—but always stayed close enough that I could see him.  Native to this area, I never doubted his identity; I did, however, doubt that I would get a respectable image of him.  This is another case of pretending not to notice the very thing I wanted to photograph.  Only when I leisurely walked by as though he didn’t exist was I able to surreptitiously aim the camera at him and snap a few images.

— — — — — — — — — —

The purpose of this series has been manifold:

  1. To show that one need not have the greatest equipment available in order to capture a memory.  None of these photographs will be published, but each of them means a great deal to me.
  2. Every picture doesn’t have to be a work of art, let alone something worthy of inclusion in a nature guide (or other publication).  I’ve been published because of my photography, yet the image that started me down that path was taken with a weak and simple point-and-shoot camera, and it was an image taken only because I wanted to capture a beautiful thing that Mom pointed out to me.
  3. Photography is a personal endeavor.  What I show here has nothing whatsoever to do with wanting to share with the world.  It has everything to do with wanting to experience the world, and once in a while finding that effort resulted in a moment others might enjoy.
  4. I’ve long advocated that a camera at the ready is the most meaningful tool anyone can have, for it enables us to memorialize life as it happens.  A small red bird.  A waterfall casting a rainbow upon the day.  A simple confluence of stars and planets that won’t be seen again for a hundred years.  The list goes on.  Memories are personal and fleeting; photographs can be forever and immemorial.

[Update] I have since identified that bird as an American goldfinch (Carduelis tristis).

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