Lying in wait

Why hang out and let life come to you?  Although I don’t recommend it for people, the approach does seem to work for other species.

A green lynx spider (Peucetia viridans) sitting atop a leaf (20080809_10707)

A green lynx spider (Peucetia viridans) resting atop a leaf in hopes of ambushing some unaware prey.  Taken at the family farm in East Texas.

A close-up of a male cicada-killer wasp (Sphecius speciosus) as he rests on the ground (20080607_06230)

A male cicada-killer wasp (Sphecius speciosus) holding his territory as he waits for females to pass by.  Taken outside my front door.

A green anole (Anolis carolinensis) sunning itself on a warm rock from beneath a canopy of foliage (IMG_20071230_00654_p)

A green anole (Anolis carolinensis) grabbing some rays on a warm rock shrouded by foliage.  (A wider view can be seen here.)  Taken at the end of the private drive leading from my home to the lake park.

Because she’s just as beautiful

After posting photos of a male great-tailed grackle (Quiscalus mexicanus) giving me the what-for as I totally invaded his space, it dawned on me that most of the grackle photos I’ve posted have been of males.  Probably because they’re most boisterous and lively and tend to be most obvious, or maybe because the females get kicked to the curb so often by the overbearing men of the species (sound familiar?).  But no matter the reason, the women of the clan deserve their time in the spotlight.  And I have just the photos to share.

A female great-tailed grackle (Quiscalus mexicanus) perched on the shore (20081127_14953)

One leg up as if to step away, perhaps even to flit into the air with the ease of a winged god, she turns and looks at me.  I look back.  That pause, that moment of indecision, and I have the photograph I want.  And she, assured of my intent to do no harm, turns and walks away along the shore.

Well, at least until a male of her species comes along and gripes at her.  She flees in fright.  Or disgust.

A female great-tailed grackle (Quiscalus mexicanus) standing in grass (2008_12_07_001092)

What a pose!  And ain’t she somethin’ to look at?  A bit of light mascara above the eye, some rouge upon the cheeks for a bit of darker color, a soft fade from light to dark from chin to breast…

I think it goes without saying that she’s one fine lookin’ woman.

A close-up of a female great-tailed grackle (Quiscalus mexicanus) with her feathers being blown by the wind (2008_12_07_001599)

The wind-blown look rarely does justice to any species.  And this day certainly had no mercy on any of us.  Winds blowing so hard that I couldn’t hold myself upright, this lass struggling to hold her head still as she gazed about.

Let’s just say water was blowing two meters/yards inland at the shore because of the winds, and that doesn’t include the stronger gusts.  That I could take a single photograph and that she could stand still for one moment meant the cosmos truly was smiling down on us that day.

A close-up of a female great-tailed grackle (Quiscalus mexicanus) as she faces me (2008_12_07_001604)

But then she turned to face me directly.  If I hadn’t nearly blown off the pier into the water, maybe I could have made that picture a tad better.

A close-up of a female great-tailed grackle (Quiscalus mexicanus) as she faces away from me (2008_12_07_001605)

Finally she turned, I fell, and this image was the result.  Lying flat on the planks while she laughed silently, I clicked a few shots before picking myself up and dusting myself off.  There were so many people about and I had the responsibility to look like I was in control…

A female great-tailed grackle (Quiscalus mexicanus) perched on the side of a pier (2008_12_07_001612)

Holding the camera up and blindly clicking the button resulted in this shot as she scoffed at me, mocked me even with that disdainful gaze.  Me lying flat on the pier as she looked on from her steady perch made clear one thing: Only one of us would walk away from this encounter with our pride intact.

The Reclamation

“You’re not going to make it,” she said, her eyes narrowed to vicious slits and her face drawn back in a rather distorted grimace.

My first response was to laugh at how ghoulish she appeared.  But I held the chortle as I thought about what she said.

Then I got angry.

“What in hell do you mean?” I snapped back as I took a step toward her.  Unintentional though it might have been, I appreciated the threatening gesture only after the distance between us grew shorter.

“I mean just what I said.  You’re not going to make it.  No one ever has.”

“I’m not no one, dear, and I will make it.”

The sternness of my voice surprised me.  I was scared.  That much was true.  I feared I wouldn’t make it.  I feared I didn’t have the strength to accomplish the impossible.  Yet in that moment when her words challenged me, scoffed at my abilities and intent whether or not that was how she meant it, I found in that simple statement a newfound force.

It’s happening again.  I’m changing.  I’m growing stronger.  I’m becoming a god.

I had to stop those runaway thoughts.  Too many already assumed what I was becoming was a devil, not a god, for too many failed to comprehend the scope of what had happened to me and to so many others during the Reclamation—or invasion depending on one’s point of view.

When they first arrived, humans marveled at the impossible.  So many things changed back then.  Our place in the universe became clear.  All our religions died in a single day.  Warring nations became friends as the chasms that once divided us became archaic and useless.

Yet their arrival was only the beginning.  Soon we came to understand why they had come, why they had chosen that specific time to make themselves known to us.  And in that discovery we learned true fear.

When the Reclamation began a day later, we lost all sense of supremacy on our own planet, in our own solar system.  Hell, in the universe.  What millennia of war and killing hadn’t accomplished, the Reclamation achieved in a single day.

All human threats became extinct.  As whole nations were turned into barren wastelands and everything associated with any military was wiped from the face of the Earth, we stared into eternity and finally recognized the predator had arrived.

I shook loose of memory’s vice and focused once again on the matter at hand.

My voice calmer and disarming, I continued, “Listen to me, Jacobi, I appreciate your concern.  Believe me when I say I can do this.  I really can.”

For the briefest moment her face relaxed as she looked directly at me, a bit of comprehension finally moving like a wave through her usually stunning features.  For just a moment, she was beautiful again.

Emptiness

I scarcely knew what to say when Jenny informed me this morning that her beloved cat Coco had slept in the sun one last time before being released to the cosmos Saturday.  Coco’s health had been failing; she was an older cat for certain.  Yet I knew the pain Jenny felt, experienced it all over again as she wept her sorrows upon a sunny day that cared little for her tribulations.

Swimming the depths of my own unflinching depression left me little comfort to offer.  I tried, though, reassuring her of the obvious: the pain would last a lifetime; telling her the weeping cannot be contained, nor should it be; holding her as we stared at the bones of the world holding up a blue sky from which sunshine poured endlessly; and letting her know I understood better than most what she felt, and I would not cheapen it with hollow words when holding her could accomplish so much more.

Of course, words do little in such cases, a lesson I learned following Henry‘s death.  The tears will come as they wish, when they wish, and nothing can stop that.  Losing a beloved, a familiar, is much like losing a bit of our heart.  Every loss takes more, and so we are forced to rend ourselves time and again such that we can replenish the well of emotion that becomes drained and dry.  For we do it time and again, we of compassion, and we set upon the same painful road over and over despite knowing what ends lie in wait.

A close-up of Grendel (2008_12_27_003753)

Grendel, Coco’s doppelgänger, reminds of what was lost this very weekend, what was lost years ago, and what will be lost soon.  Even as I cradled Jenny and let her heartache manifest in tears, I thought of the life waiting at home that careens toward the same destiny.  Cursed throughout his years with one wretched ailment after another, inflicted with agonies no creature should be made to endure, Grendel will not see the years Coco saw, will not enjoy as many sunrises and sunsets and sunny afternoons.

Along the boulevard of days rest historical markers signifying empty spaces once filled with cherished souls.  And each of us walks that boulevard every day, every moment.  We glance this way and that way, and all about us, leaping from the shadows of history, mournful things pass within our vision, no more so than for the heart full of giving for that which cannot be kept.

A close-up of Grendel as he looks out the window (2008_12_27_003754)

His trembling a constant reminder of the toll life has taken on his body, I look at Grendel and see within his eyes the clouding of a sunny day.  Coco must have looked as burdened when finally her spirit recognized what her flesh screamed upon the winds of time: These are my final hours, my final moments, and soon I go to be one with the universe, to return to that which made me.  I see that future here, here in my home, here in my arms as I hold him and caress him and speak to him.  Even his purring sounds weaker than once it did.

What grim specter besets me now sees its essence grow colder still, an icy hand scraped against my inner self and grasping at what torments as yet lie undisturbed.  A falling of dominoes brings death and its kith and kin, darkness and its ilk, anguish and its brethren.  I envy not the torture of Jenny’s soul now, especially so soon after the loss of her mother.  I see in her experiences my own destiny, with Grendel’s fate hanging in the skeletal hands of that which cannot be denied and my own father’s health rapidly succumbing to the ills of a future already written based upon a past too clear to deny.

No creature of conscience can escape the emptiness.  Why would we want to?  Doing so only means we have not loved.  For that reason alone, I hope never to be full.

[that shadowy apparition with golden eyes floating in the background of the second photo is none other than Vazra]

Reflections

Loss becomes the world, the empty gallows within which so many find themselves hanged, and into that shadowy world plethoras soon will fall—if they haven’t by now.

A male northern pintail duck (Anas acuta) floating on rippled water (20081025_14075)

Our species rejuvenates itself upon the suffering of others, the wishful thinking of extinction that we will upon those we call alien, different, unwelcome.

A male swan goose (Anser cygnoides) swimming toward shore (20081101_14169)

What fiends we humans are; what devilish behemoths we pride ourselves in being as we wish unforgivable suffering upon others while continuing our assault on the world at large.  We take and we steal, and all the while we pride ourselves for the anguish we visit upon others because—let’s be honest—the invader is not us, is not we ourselves, but it is some other thing, some other hate-filled monster that we can all revile.

House sparrow?  Check!  But let’s ignore the fact that the house sparrow is doing what nature made it to do, and it’s only sin is to take advantage of the opportunity we humans have given it by way of introducing the species to alien places both far and wide.

European starling?  Check!  In honor of Shakespeare’s writings we deluged the world with this creature, but now we hate it, wish upon it all manner of death even unto the suffering of the world, and we pretend we ourselves have no hand in its fate, have no responsibility for its presence in the places we call dear and sacred.  Damned be the starling!  And let’s pretend we are not to blame for extinctions the starling never could imagine, let alone accomplish.

Shall I go on?

A male mallard duck (Anas platyrhynchos) floating near shore (20081127_14926)

Whatever life reflects for us to see, our innate desire to be better than all else blinds us to that truth, and we are left wanting, desiring for the end of that we deem lacking.  We are better, we think, and we visit upon so many others a profound hate that witchery could never challenge our desire for death.  And upon the valley of destruction that we ourselves wrought, nothing exempts us from this belief: We are not to blame for the horrors we visit upon this planet; we are not responsible for nature’s response to our invasion; and we are not accountable for the ends we visit on all others, especially those whom we proclaim as invasive even as we destroy wantonly and blindly.

A male lesser scaup (Aythya affinis) floating near shore (20081127_14963)

I see my own reflection and find it repulsive.  The weight of my forefathers ends for me the will of passion made manifest for Nature’s children, my kith and kin both past and present opening old wounds too long ignored by the brethren of my species.

We hate.  Such is the nature of our kind.

We defile.  Such is the nature of our kind, yet we pretend the fault lies with others.

We destroy.  Such is the nature of our kind even as we ignore our participation in the destruction of our world, even as we hope no one will notice the dichotomy of our petty disgust cast upon the very creatures we claim to adore.

We are the opposite of our reflections: We see in ourselves the best of what the universe hates most.  We claim pride in what humans destroy, calling ourselves protectors of the natural world even as we visit upon it the most dastardly stewardship.

Blame others.  That is what we do best.

Take responsibility?  Never!  For no evil can possibly be the cause of our actions…  Right?

— — — — — — — — — —

Photos:

[1] A male northern pintail duck (Anas acuta).

[2] A male domestic swan goose (Anser cygnoides), probably Chinese.

[3] A male mallard duck (Anas platyrhynchos).

[4] A male lesser scaup (Aythya affinis).