Traveling without moving

We go places even as we sleep.  We visit other universes without taking a single step.  We surf the web and experience the world from our office chairs.  We speak to friends and family only to find afterward that we’ve delved to deep reaches and flown to great heights.  In all that we do, we travel without moving.

Thus has been the last ten days for me.  An introspection as it were, a respite, a hiatus from blogging that allowed me to come and go at will sans need to worry about xenogere.  A trip to the stars, a visit to an ocean’s abyss, a walk in places which are alien to me.

I admit…

…after losing my job last November I fell into the depths of depression.  I hated that job.  I needed that job.  The economy isn’t exactly in a condition to offer a great many alternatives.

…at the end of 2009 I “met” someone who quickly placed me atop joy’s pedestal and within six months quickly dashed me against the rocks of reality’s disappointment.

..I fell in love for the first time in six years.  That love soon revealed itself as unrequited.

…the truth of what I’d become since Derek’s death in 2004 hit me in the face, and I discovered I very much disliked the new me.  But after spending so many years forcing personal evolution, finding my way back seemed like an impossible road to navigate.  But I knew it needed to be done.

…so many things changed these past seven plus years since I began blogging.

It rests here: we cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.

And somewhere in this crowd of journeys I lost my way.  Paths torched behind me, I straddled the center line because the road ahead was too dark to navigate.  I hid in the shadow of historic smoke and future light because what lurked just beyond the least of these frightened me.  I stood back from what is and what could be so I didn’t have to face the real world.

There is a Latin phrase, “in consiliis nostris fatum nostrum est”, which roughly translates to “in our choices lies our fate.”  Thus is the best definition of my traveling without moving.

So begets the new me, the new xenogere, the new future resting just ahead.

Blogging is not a thing to be terrified of until it falls by the wayside.  No, it’s something that once frightened me but now calls to me like an old friend.

xenogere still lives.

6 thoughts on “Traveling without moving”

  1. I’m old enough to know all about burning bridges my friend. Certainly enough to be sure that crossing them is the most important part of the job. The burning is neither necessary nor ultimately helpful, though it may well feel cathartic at the time.

    Most of us have had times in our lives that may not feel comfortable under scrutiny when we look back over them. But the good and the bad in us is the result of our life journeys. We can neither excise or edit the bad stuff away (though many try) save in our own minds. The trick is to learn from the past and to move forward, but thereafter to be gentle with ourselves, and others, when shiny new expectations are compromised. New beginnings are for the religious zealots, who truly feel ‘washed of their sins and born again’. For me that’s about as helpful as those new fad diets which we all know fail the moment anyone falls back into old habits. Real enlightenment in life can only come when we learn to be forgiving, and to take what we have and try to make it better.

    I didn’t know about your trials Jason. It sounds as though you’ve had a tough time, and I’m sorry for that. I just know you for the gentleness of spirit, the artistry, insight and warmth you demonstrate so liberally in your posts on Xenogere. You’re an impressive man in so many ways, and I trust that you’ll come to recognise and embrace that once some of the pain has faded.

  2. So grateful to see you are still blogging. And I agree with your sentiments exactly. Life moves us along the road willingly or not, we just get to choose whether or not to heed its call and wake up to the lessons and journeys. I so enjoy your work on this site. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us.

  3. I lost my job last September and am still looking for f/t work. Thank God for Census work. I am a writer myself and so I don’t give out compliments easily, but Jason, you are a really great writer who often floors me with your prose.

    Unlike you, I didn’t get depressed after my layoff. After nearly 30 years of work, I wouldn’t regret never returning to f/t work, but the bills must be paid. Interestingly, after battling insomnia for the past 5 years, I sleep like a baby now.

    Challenging times make us stronger.

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