My original and subsequent self exploration and contemplations regarding Rick, my dear friend of more than a decade. I've had a crush on him since I met him in early 1994.
Relativity I - It’s time to be with you
As I sit here writing this entry for xenogere / strange behavior /, with a candle burning on my desk and Evanescence playing in the background, I feel as if I'm beginning a journey I have taken before and yet have never taken, a journey I started more than ten years ago yet am beginning for the first time, a journey I have always feared yet needed. So many things in life are longed for without realization. We renege on so many promises that we make to ourselves. We more often than not survive a life thrust upon us with little or no input from us. Yet — and these times are rare and wonderful and frightening — we sometimes are provided an opportunity to experience a fantasy come to life.
Relativity II - I would never let me go
Ah, yes…
But I digress…
The candle on my desk is now extinguished by the passage of time, its flame whispered out of existence hours ago like the name of someone we wish to forget, the Evanescence CD replaced by the excruciatingly gay yet always satisfying 106.7 KDL, the only dance music station in the DFW metroplex area (how pitiful we are to have only one here). "Appreciate Me" by Amuka is on right now while it has begun to rain outside.
Relativity III - I was dreaming of you
The journey is indeed familiar while being completely alien, but it began more than ten years ago. This journey dates back to the day I was born, driven by my very being. It is a path wrought with perils both real and imagined and filled with wonders to satiate desires both gross and subtle. But it's neither for the weak nor timid and is never finished by those willing only to sit and watch. It is the journey of life, the pursuit of happiness and satisfaction and fulfillment, the only true priority we have — to live.
Relativity IV - I’m drowning in you
Isn't that always the question? So what do I do?
I end this particular journey of discovery precisely where it started. I'm sitting here at my desk with a candle burning next to me and Evanescence playing quietly in the background. I think about the 33 years now behind me and consider carefully the unrealized longings in my life, and I have to wonder if they are unrealized because I failed to act, because I acted too quickly or at all, or because of circumstances completely outside of my control. Have I reneged on promises I've made to myself?
Relativity Redux - I’m falling even more in love with you
Since writing the original Relativity series last April, I have spent much time evaluating my relationship with Rick. That's not a simple task as our relationship is complex and rich and not easily categorized.
We spend a lot of time together and share everything in our lives. He takes care of The Kids when I'm not able to, I take care of his dog when he's not able to, we see each other almost every day, we talk on the phone every day, we'd rather spend time with each other than anyone else, we know all of each other's secrets, we enjoy visiting each other's and mutual friends, we find no discomfort in silence, our relationship has no need for small talk or shallow pleasantries, and the list goes on.
In Relativity IV I said that only time would tell if what I felt for Rick at that time was more than a transient crush. As I said then, "to feel a certain way for ten years is an indication to me that my emotional state is not unstable (i.e. I'm not wishy-washy on this matter). But it doesn't mean that some shrouded and indiscernible combination of recent and ongoing events hasn't somehow brought me to this place."
Many months later I can say that my feelings for him have not diminished. They have instead continued to grow in strength and depth.
