But all things are not equal.

The journey is indeed familiar while being completely alien, but it began more than ten years ago.  This journey dates back to the day I was born, driven by my very being.  It is a path wrought with perils both real and imagined and filled with wonders to satiate desires both gross and subtle.  But it's neither for the weak nor timid and is never finished by those willing only to sit and watch.  It is the journey of life, the pursuit of happiness and satisfaction and fulfillment, the only true priority we have — to live.

So I sit here like a gloomy little boy caught in a quandary which can only be described as an unrealized longing coupled with the emotional vortex of love — both pulling me headlong into a rendezvous with the reality of complex relationships.

After realizing that my infatuation with Rick was alive and well, I put considerable thought into precisely what I was feeling and what I would do with those feelings.

It may be difficult to understand, or it may be quite easy to comprehend, but my infatuation with Rick has never been as simple as a school-boy crush.  It is in fact the kind of emotional attachment which survives through the seasons with no sign of age or change.  It is the expression of a longing, a need, which cannot be reconciled with the passage of time.  It is, as I pointed out in These are the words I never speak, love.

Yes, I can already hear you asking the questions one would expect when professing love for someone.

Is it really love?

Yes, it is.

Love is a multifaceted emotion which can describe our feelings toward friends, family, a food or drink, a book or movie, a physical sensation, a significant other, or an infinitely long list of things which each engender a different kind of love.

But they are all love.

How do you know it's not just a crush or infatuation?

I know.

We must each decide on the proper interpretation of our emotions.  I cannot tell you what you're feeling any more than you can tell me what I'm feeling.

In this case, I assure you that I have used the correct term to describe what I'm feeling.  My heart and my mind both tell me that it is love.  How can I argue?

Do you love him or are you in love with him?

Both.

I have loved Rick for many years on a platonic level.  We are, first and foremost, friends.  I love him in the way that one loves a close and trusted friend.

But I also love him on a level more profound than platonic and in a way not so easily described.

And I am in love with him.  This is often the easiest kind of love to identify as it doesn't require hyper-analysis to understand.  When we are in love with someone, we feel it physically, emotionally and psychologically.  It overwhelms us with its constant beckoning for fulfillment, its often unending need for attention, its incessant longing.

Ultimately I decided to do nothing about my feelings.  I loved our relationship as it was and considered it to be perfect.  Rick and I continued to grow close even after I began to realize I had never let go of my attraction to him.  It did not pose a threat to our relationship, so I saw no need to do anything other than suppress the feelings and enjoy the friendship.

Understand that Rick is a dear and rare friend.  The platonic relationship is something I would never want to give up as it is truly the kind of friendship which few people ever get to experience — a true friend; a trustworthy friend; a friend who knows all of your secrets and still loves you, still accepts you; a friend who will do anything for you; a friend who will always be there for you regardless of what transpires between you; a friend who will always be your friend.

And yet I am equally attracted to Rick on a level which is anything but platonic.  I am physically attracted to him.  I am sexually attracted to him.  I am emotionally attracted to him.  I am intellectually attracted to him.  I feel overwhelmed with desire when I am with him.

To add to the confusion I already feel about the situation, my relationship with Rick has recently taken on a new and interesting facet.  There is now a physical element to it that exacerbates my confusion and subjugates my logic.

Before you tell me that the physical aspect of our relationship negates this entire self-revelation and personal quest for direction, it's important to realize that sex and love are two entirely different things.  I have always believed this, I know Rick believes it, and I suspect many other people believe it (otherwise there wouldn't be as much infidelity in society).

I have friends with whom I can enjoy physical affection without emotional attachment.  The friendship survives because there is no need to complicate the physical aspect of the relationship by trying to make it more than just sex.

Sex is not love is not sex.  You would do well to remember that.

I do not believe that the new physical relationship between Rick and I has to drive the overall friendship.  On the contrary, when you have a friend with whom you are truly comfortable and at ease, sex can be nothing more than the sharing of physical satisfaction without worry.  There are no expectations and no performance anxiety.  The comfort and intimacy afforded friends allows the sex to be equally without complication.

And the crossroads I spoke of finally comes to light.

I am slowly realizing that there are fewer and fewer days ahead while there are more and more days behind.  If I am to be happy and fulfilled in life, it falls to me to make it happen.

I cannot and will not give up the friendship I have with Rick, but I am pursued by my own emotional desires to see more develop between us.

Yes, my life can be full and rich with our relationship unchanged from its current state, but I also feel that I could be happier and enjoy a richer and fuller life if I could find true happiness with that one person (a soul mate, if you will).

What if Rick is that person?  What if he isn't?

Rest assured that I have heard all of the arguments before and fully understand what my options are.

I can do nothing and see where it goes — literally do nothing; act as if nothing has changed and continue with our normal activities; make no attempt to draw attention to the change in atmosphere, no attempt to discuss feelings, no attempt to discover what he's thinking or feeling, no attempt to communicate what I want so badly to share with him.  This approach means I change nothing, I do nothing but continue with the status quo.  If something happens, it happens either because he made it happen or because it was going to happen on its own.

Or I can do something and see where it goes — do something; discuss the situation, make a move to signify interest, modify our interaction to show a pursuit of something more — all without flying off the handle, so to speak; make some attempt, regardless of how minuscule, to clearly indicate the relationship's continuing evolution is welcome; find some way to communicate, without being overly emotional or clingy, that I would like to see if something more can come from this.  This approach means I take some action, regardless of how small, in an attempt to discover whether I am alone in my desire to cultivate more from an already fantastic relationship.

But it's neither for the weak nor timid and is never finished by those willing only to sit and watch the journey take place.

I said that at the beginning of this post.  I meant it.  I believe it.

I have never been one to sit back and hope that life gives me what I want.  No one has ever found satisfaction in life by accepting things as they are, by letting life give you what it will, by living as though fate or god or predestination has removed all choice from our existence.

Life is to be lived, not glanced at once in a while.  It is to be experienced, not observed.

I do not want to be improvident, but I cannot sit here and wait in the hopes that what I want more than anything will eventually fall into my hands — the opportunity to see if there can be more.

But sitting and waiting could be the only thing that keeps me from ruining a perfect friendship.

Confusion is like a slow falling, a kaleidoscope of grays that stays the same the more it changes, a field of contradiction without gravity or form, a rush of silent confetti that belongs to no one.

I wrote those words almost 20 years ago, yet they are now more relevant and applicable than ever.

So what do I do?