Isn't that always the question?  So what do I do?

I end this particular journey of discovery precisely where it started.  I'm sitting here at my desk with a candle burning next to me and Evanescence playing quietly in the background.  I think about the 33 years now behind me and consider carefully the unrealized longings in my life, and I have to wonder if they are unrealized because I failed to act, because I acted too quickly or at all, or because of circumstances completely outside of my control.  Have I reneged on promises I've made to myself?

Am I being "provided an opportunity to experience a fantasy come to life"?

Disappointingly I do not know the answer to that histrionic question.

Yes, I can hear the collective "WTF!?" coming from all of you.

But I do not honestly know.

I didn't know when I started it how this series of posts would end.  There was no script.  There was no outline.  I sat down each day and I wrote.

My own happiness — or pursuit thereof — is my responsibility and no one else's.  I must decide what my next course of action is.  "I can do nothing and see where it goes.  Or I can do something and see where it goes."

I choose to do something.

You may be wondering what happened to clear my mind so quickly.  Don't be fooled.  My confusion hasn't necessarily wavered.  In fact, I would say it has increased.

I intend to act, to do something, to take a step — regardless of what that step is or when it happens — to make my interest known to Rick.

But what do I do?  And when do I do it?

Yes, indeed, those are the questions to be answered.  But they will not be answered here.  They may not be answered on the site, although you can rest assured that I will let you know what happens.  Maybe as it happens.  Maybe after it happens.  But I will let you know.  I don't kiss and tell, so if that's what you're looking for, take your filthy mind elsewhere.

Hmm, voyeurism… Wait, come back.

Just kidding.

Not really.

The point of my drivel-laden emotional outpouring has been twofold.

It was first and foremost emotionally purging for me.  Writing these entries over the last few days has been relaxing in a way.  I don't know how else to describe it.  There are emotional cathartics involved which I can't entirely explain at the moment.

It was also novel as a way for me to organize and analyze what I was feeling versus what I was thinking (often not agreeable counsels on such matters).  Utilizing a public forum and considering all feedback honestly, I feel that I have reconciled all the concerns and am on the right path.

I'm mindful of my friendship with Rick.  You can be certain that I'm quite mindful of it.  But I think there is room for more — perhaps what we already have to some degree or something different, something more.

It's important to remember that relationships evolve regularly, even those which seem to escape the grasp of whatever temporal reaper plagues us with age.  Someone once said that a person is not who was presented in the last conversation but is who they have been throughout your relationship with them.  I believe those very relationships work in much the same manner — they evolve and change and grow and fluctuate.

It's equally important to remember that what "I want more than anything" right now can easily become a memory.  We are human.  I am human.  I am fallible, as are my emotions.

To feel a certain way for ten years is an indication to me that my emotional state is not unstable (i.e., I'm not wishy-washy on this matter).  But it doesn't mean that some shrouded and indiscernible combination of recent and ongoing events hasn't somehow brought me to this place.

Only time will tell.

I know that what I feel is quite genuine and unmistakable.  That's all I can act upon.

So I continue to subjugate my own confusion by pure resolution.  I will not let the opportunity slip away, but I will not ruin that which I already have and cherish so dearly.

Stay tuned, little rug rats.  This story is not finished…