The last several weeks have just wiped me out, hence my absence for the last week or so.  First was my roommate's whole medical fiasco and eventual return home (which was hectic enough), then my Mom fell ill, then I came down with a nasty summer cold (which is still not entirely gone), and now my roommate is back in the hospital.  It looks as though he might have cancer (lymphoma to be precise), but I won't bore you with the details.  Suffice it to say that he is once again quite ill and facing a serious health crisis.  To top it all off, work has been kicking my ass.  With emergencies and lots of big projects going on, I've barely had time to think clearly and certainly haven't had time to live my life.

And that brings me to my frustration of late.

As Jenny and I have been discussing lately, life has simply become too full of minding the affairs of others while my own personal life languishes on the sidelines.  I'm not saying I'm a cold-hearted bastard, but when did I sign on to be everyone's keeper?

I ask that because, for the nine months that my roommate was in the hospital the first time, I ran my ass off keeping his affairs in order since he was unable to.  I was also responsible for his health care when he was unable to make those decisions on his own.

Now, a few months later and back in the same situation (in the hospital, that is), it would seem that once again Derek's life falls on me to maintain.

It's not that I don't care about my roommate.  We're very good friends and have been roommates for many years.  Our interests have normally been similar and complementary, yet we both enjoyed the freedom of sharing living expenses while being able to live our own lives.

So how did it fall to me to be the responsible party when he fell ill?

I'm not a member of his family.  We're not married or dating or in any way involved.

Where's his family, you ask?  They've never been told about his condition nor that he has been close to death many times in the last two years.  That's a decision he made and I respected.  Now, however, I'm realizing that only exacerbated the problem as it was taken to mean that I did indeed accept responsibility for him.

Where are his friends?  They've never been told nor do I expect them to be told any time soon.

So who visits him in the hospital?  That would be me and my friends.  Who calls and asks about him?  That would be me and my friends and family.  Who takes care of his affairs when he can't?  That would be me and my friends.

At the expense of my own personal life, I have been forced into being the primary care giver for someone with whom I am no more than close friends and roommates, forced to sacrifice my own life and desires and plans time and time again in favor of his, forced to give up personal endeavors so I can manage his life, forced to make life and death decisions for his health and medical care, and the list goes on.

I've grown to resent him and myself for this entire situation.  I allowed it to get out of control and he's taken it for granted — taken advantage of me and my compassion in order to hide his condition from his own friends and family.

As I've explained to Jenny on many occasions and to my mother only recently, it's as if he's living vicariously through me now.  The only friends he has here in Dallas are my friends.  The only people who know about his condition are me, my friends and family.  The only people who take care of him are me and my friends.  The only people who will help him get the care he needs are me and my friends.  The only people who will clean up after him are me and my friends.

What's wrong with this picture?

As you might be able to tell from this post, I'm a little pissed about the whole situation.  Never having received a single "thank you" for all I've done already, I find myself in the same situation as before with Derek simply expecting that I will continue to handle his life while he's unable to do so, that I will continue to be his keeper, that I will continue to sacrifice my own life in favor of his.

Sadly, I've finally reached my limit.  I am not to be taken advantage of.  I am not to be stepped on simply because you can't or won't take responsibility for your own life.

Sick or not, hospitalized or not, I do not intend to keep doing this.  All of my free time is gone, all of my plans are canceled, and all of the things which are important to me are slowly slipping away as I have less and less time to focus on them.

This isn't living.  It's working for no pay.

And I fully expect Derek to be rather upset with me when he finds out I've decided we're not going to be roommates moving forward.  I intend to part ways this autumn or winter.  At this point in time, I feel it's the only way to force him to take responsibility for his own life, to use his own support structure of family and friends, and to stop using me — yes, I said he's using me.

Perception is reality, and I perceive that I am being used and have been for the last year at least.

Well, the buck stops here.

This is a letter I wrote to Rick about eight years ago.  He's never seen it as it was meant more as a personal outlet than a declaration to be shared.

After I wrote These are the words I never speak back in March and followed that with the Relativity series in April, I've spent a lot of time considering my refractory emotions regarding Rick.  Needless to say, nothing has changed.  So it was with some pleasure that I remembered this letter and decided now was a perfect time to include it here.

I suppose what remains so interesting about this letter is its applicability today versus when it was written eight years ago.  As I read through it this morning in preparation to post it here, I realized how so very little things have changed in that time.  I could have written this today.  My feelings for him, ab ovo through the present, have not diminished or changed despite their sometimes abstruse existence.

Every time I think about how wonderful life is with you in it, I'm thankful for a chance to love someone as special as you.  I can't imagine life without your smiles, your gentle touch, or your understanding hugs.  You bring out the best in me so easily.  You draw to the surface all that I am and can be — the potential within.  You relax and comfort me just by being yourself, by being with me.  It just wouldn't be the same not having you to be with at the end of a long, hard day.

Every time I think about how much fun we have together, I'm thankful for your wonderful sense of humor.  You always know just what to do to make me laugh.  Even when I was in a bad mood you could lift my spirits with nothing more than one of your wonderful smiles.  Our relationship doesn't require pretenses or machinations.  It doesn't require maintenance or monitoring.  It's as comfortable as a blanket fresh from the dryer.

Every time I think about how happy you make me, I'm thankful for the chance to know you.  It doesn't matter whether we are talking seriously, laughing at a private joke, or just enjoying a comfortable silence, we can enjoy each other's company without having to entertain one another.  When we don't want to deal with the drama of everyday life, we can slip easily into each other's company and savor the reassurance that neither of us has to prove anything.  We enjoy being together because we enjoy who the other person is, not who we want them to be or who they want us to be.  I love being with you.

Every time I think about how much I love you, I realize how lucky I am to share a part of your life and to have you in mine.  I would not trade a moment of knowing you for all the riches in the world.  My feelings for you run deep and have carved a place for you in my heart which cannot be filled by any other.  Even if we are never to be more than friends, I am a better man with you in my life.

I am thankful for the gift of knowing you.

[circa 1996]

I went to see this movie a few weeks ago with Rick.  We decided it was a "stupid movie" afternoon — that is to say, an afternoon during which one does not wish to think or consider anything beyond what one is eating and drinking at that moment.  We decided The Day After Tomorrow looked mindless enough, while including plenty of death and destruction, to satisfy our requirements.

Void of any decent plot, character development and engaging dialog, we weren't disappointed by this movie's ability to overestimate itself.  Taking itself far too seriously, the laughably preposterous science used in an attempt to mask the absence of these other movie essentials makes the whole thing seem so entirely unconvincing.  At no time did I experience "suspension of disbelief," the state of mind necessary to be fully engaged by a movie, so I was therefore left to wallow in agony as I watched the actors as actors, listed to the dialog as a screenplay, saw the special effects as a question of what platform it was put together on, and far too many "I knew that was going to happen" moments.

It's predictable, mind-numbingly tedious, scientifically groundless, politically transparent, and bills itself as a movie with far more excitement to offer than it really has.  This movie has very little death and destruction and a whole lot of nauseating and unnecessary drama.

I don't hate it because there's not enough content to hate.  I wouldn't not recommend seeing it in the theater just to see the destruction on the big screen, although I won't fail to admit that I think it was a waste of money.

Am I sorry I went and saw it?  Absolutely not.  It was a wonderful afternoon with Rick, someone with whom you know I don't mind spending time.  Were there much better things we could have been doing with our time?  Unquestionably.

So, to summarize my review of The Day After Tomorrow, whatever.

Lexus, for the 10th year in a row, won top honors in J.D. Power and Associates' annual vehicle quality survey.  In case you hadn't heard, I own a 2001 Lexus IS 300, so I was thrilled to see them on top once again.  Knowing how happy I am with my car, how few problems I've had with it, and the fantastic level of service I receive from Lexus, you can probably tell I was not surprised by these specific results.  Many of the other automobile manufacturers did surprise me, however, especially because some American car companies actually stomped their foreign competitors.

Read this article for the details.  Like me, you're apt to be surprised by some of the rankings (especially Volkswagen, Mercedes and Range Rover).

Although it’s hard for me to believe that it’s here, today is July 4 — Independence Day in America.  I’d like to wish all of my fellow Americans a wonderful and safe holiday.  May we stop and take notice of why we celebrate this day, and may we use that reflection to guide us in the upcoming election.  Personally I’d like to celebrate independence for a long time to come, but none of us will be able to if our country doesn’t change its course soon.

If you haven’t noticed, America is quickly becoming a police state.  We hold people without trial or a chance to face their accusers in court — something our Constitution clearly grants to all of us.  The feds are spying on us more and more without proper legal grounds (hell, all they have to say is they think you’re a terrorist and you’re screwed).  Our rights are being eroded piece by piece in the name of security.  And we all sit around and thank the government for making us safe.

Hello!  Did anyone pay attention to the reasons we hated the Soviet Union when it was still around?

Thankfully the US Supreme Court realized all of this when they shot down Bush’s anti-American approach to holding people indefinitely without trial.  Despite his administration’s desire to directly spit in the face of our Constitution and show the world that we are as evil as they think we are, I’m thankful the court upheld our law and ideals and — in case you forgot about it like Bush did — the Constitution.

And don’t take this as support for Kerry.  I’m just using Indendence Day as a platform to pounce on Bush and his cronies.  This is not a statement of support for any of the idiots running for the office of President of the United States — it’s just an attack on one of them.

But I digress…

Happy 4th of July!