Since writing the original Relativity series last April, I have spent much time evaluating my relationship with Rick.  That's not a simple task as our relationship is complex and rich and not easily categorized.

We spend a lot of time together and share everything in our lives.  He takes care of The Kids when I'm not able to, I take care of his dog when he's not able to, we see each other almost every day, we talk on the phone every day, we'd rather spend time with each other than anyone else, we know all of each other's secrets, we enjoy visiting each other's and mutual friends, we find no discomfort in silence, our relationship has no need for small talk or shallow pleasantries, and the list goes on.

In Relativity IV I said that only time would tell if what I felt for Rick at that time was more than a transient crush.  As I said then, "to feel a certain way for ten years is an indication to me that my emotional state is not unstable (i.e., I'm not wishy-washy on this matter).  But it doesn't mean that some shrouded and indiscernible combination of recent and ongoing events hasn't somehow brought me to this place."

Many months later I can say that my feelings for him have not diminished.  They have instead continued to grow in strength and depth.

My mindset over the months which have passed since I wrote those words continued to be equally concerned about revealing what I felt at the risk of hurting what we already had (a very strong relationship that went beyond friendship) and subjugating the eager desire to pursue something more with him.

When you've felt a certain way about someone for 11 years, does it mean that what you feel is true and accurate?  Does it mean that an emotional attachment to someone is more than just a crush?  Do I "…continue to subjugate my own confusion by pure resolution" or do I act on it and risk ruining "that which I already have and cherish so dearly"?

The answers to these questions are unknown to me and likely depend greatly on each individual situation.

I am still left wondering what could be.  This is true of most humans, and I am no different.

Part of my hesitancy in this matter has been the normal concern that my "soul mate" could still be out there.  We all believe that there is someone for everyone.  I don't believe that's true, but I do believe that there is a chance for each of us to meet someone special, someone who can add to our existence and provide the emotional fulfillment most people want to find.

But everybody dances with one eye on the door, waiting for something better to walk in.  Would we even recognize it if it did?  Would we be too busy watching the door to realize that what we're looking for is the person we're already dancing with?

The axiom under which I view my feelings and relationship with Rick is this: genuine eros makes us desire a particular person; crude desire is satiable by fungible bodies.

In this case, fungible bodies fulfill only the wholly and primitive physical desires but can in no way satisfy the specific feelings I have for him in particular.

I do love Rick.  There is no doubt in my mind about that.  Part of that love is based on our friendship which has survived good and bad times alike for more than a decade.  The love does not end there, though, but is instead much deeper than mere friendship might explicate.

I am in love with Rick.  There is no doubt in my mind about that.  I fall more in love with him every day.

Our relationship is too complex to understand completely.  It's more than a friendship with benefits.

I said in the original series that I wanted to discuss this with Rick, that I wanted to explain my feelings to him and see where it went.  That hasn't happened for a myriad of reasons.  My life became overly complicated last year, especially with regards to Derek's health crisis and eventual death.  Work has gradually become far busier and more demanding, rapidly consuming more and more of my time and energy.  My mother fell ill and, as a result, I've quickly become the only child who still seems to give a damn about taking care of them.

Despite having explicitly said I would act, I have not.

This story is still not finished, little rug rats, yet I have no clear indication of where to take it.  The plot is in my hands — what do I do with it?

Rick is far too important a person in my life for me to endanger in any way what we already have together.  This in no way negates the fact that what I feel is powerful and seems to demand action from me.

In order for people to move forward, we often have to let go of what has held us back.  When what has held us back is a different aspect of what we need to move forward, the options are no longer as clear.

The dynamics of this relationship are not easily defined or understood — even by me.  There are times when I think we two are pursuing the same thing, then there are times when I think we two are quite content with what we have.

I feel as Lily Tomlin must have felt when she said, "If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question?"

Love is a very difficult emotion to understand.  It is without a doubt one of the most complex emotions we have.  It readily intertwines itself with aspects of relationships in ways that brings doubt and uncertainty.  We are left asking if what we feel is one thing or another, if it means something more than what we already have in our hands.

I am left without a clear understanding of the path I should take.  But isn't that normally the case in matters of love?

I have no closure on this issue nor with regards to my confusion on what to do, but there is no confusion about how I feel.  Perhaps what I have with Rick now is all I should expect.  Perhaps it will develop into something else on its own.  Either way, I close with the chorus to "Hanging by a Moment" by Lifehouse since these words seem to best describe how I feel.

 

…I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and I'm not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you