Discussions with Wayne over the last several weeks increasingly have spurred via our remembrances my own memories of the boy he once knew — the boy I once was.  I wondered aloud just today whether there was more or less of that person alive within me.  Once immersed in the life I now live — finding my own freedom, developing my own beliefs, and following my own heart — that young man grew into someone who was not entirely recognizable to a friend from years past.

I remembering telling Wayne that I had not changed as much as I had matured, that I was indeed the same person he knew, only sufficient time had passed for me to stabilize and modify from teenage years.  My point, essentially, is that I have developed through living but am still very much like the person I was decades ago.

Such conversations, perhaps as much to reveal a truth to myself as to communicate such things to Wayne, leave me wondering if in fact life’s resultant changes indeed have significantly modified the person I am now as compared to the person I once was.

Time did not stand still in our absence from each other.  While 20 years from teenager to adult is in fact a certainty for alteration, how much variation has taken place is the question that now presents itself to me.

Very little is the same, it would seem, but subjective observation tells me very little has changed.  It’s like I never left that place from long ago, like I’m still in junior high and high school, still surrounded by old friends and comfortable faces.  So much of who I was those 20 years ago is still a part of who I am today, yet am I the same person?

I find myself taking inventory of times historical and times present.  I compare emotions, examine patterns of behavior, monitor colloquialisms, and attentively evaluate the me of both then and now.  I now realize that I’ve changed much more than I had originally thought.  Confusion be damned, I am also still very much the same boy I was then.

Surprise bestows upon me the inherent truth of why I seem so differently similar: it’s all in the presentation.

I was throughout my junior high and high school years a fellow of tragic façades.  This was as much for my own benefit as it was for others.

Being part of a very religious family, I diligently enacted the faithful son routine while trying to find some meaning in it all.  For a significant amount of time I was, for all intents, striving to force myself into a role which ran counter to what I believed and felt, and that very struggle made me try even harder.  I knew I was gay from a very young age, so my religious upbringing taught me that I was evil and to be hated and abhorred.  That meant doing whatever was necessary so as not to be gay.

Struggling with my own sexuality for such a long time helped me to master projecting affectations: making people see me the way they wanted to rather than for who I actually was.  This is often why my being gay surprises people from my past.

Apostolic beliefs under which I lived through my latter school years hindered me from doing things like wearing jewelry, going swimming, watching movies or television, reading books which were not considered appropriate (anyone else thinking of Stephen King as a no-no?), and a great many other affectations.  I did not wear shorts or any manner of revealing clothing, so even in the summer I stood out like a penguin in the midst of a polar bear reunion.  This now lends itself to further surprise for those from my past.  I have several tattoos and plan to get more; I have several piercings and plan to get more.  Either of these items taken by itself would represent a significant departure from my childhood.  Together they represent what may appear to be a fundamental shift in the person I am rather than representations of who I have always been.

I have an extremely lenient view of drugs and alcohol.  As a child, I “preached” adamantly against such things and the evils they would bring upon this world.  In this case, I have learned much since then.

The differences are not just that my views on sex/sexuality, drugs, morality, and religion have changed.  In truth, even those have not changed as much as been allowed to exist on their own merits rather than shrouded behind what I felt they needed to be in order to find acceptance.

I see differences in how I carry myself.  I’m no longer ashamed of who I am, so there is a sense of self-respect and comfort that now is obvious in my life.  Many years ago this was not the case; I was simply too frightened to be me, so my head hung in shame and my body language spoke to self-loathing and self-repudiation.

I see differences in how I speak to people.  I’m no longer ashamed of my own opinions and ideals.  In fact, I feel so strongly about them now that I am always ready and willing to debate someone if they feel differently, even if it’s just to get them to show me the fervency of a different point of view.  I do not back down in conversations now; I do not bequeath my own sense of self to what others say out of a lack of self-worth.

I see differences in how I listen to people.  I’m no longer frightened that the opinion of another will somehow degrade me or reveal me as a fraud.  I live my life openly, and that means being open to new ideas instead of feeling threatened by them.  I have an open mind now, something I felt was intolerable those many years ago.  Back then, listening to someone might call into question what I was supposed to stand for.  It might also have spurned a response from me that would reveal the truth behind the mask.

Yet, when I look at all of these things, they do not represent a significant departure from who I was.  They merely represent a newfound freedom to be who I have always been, and they represent the ability to live my life by my rules, not those of others.

No, I have not changed so much from the life I once lived.  Truth be told, I’m now living the life that corresponds to the person I have always been, even if I was too afraid to show it.

The old me is foreign in a way that is both comforting and didactic.  I find the familiar strangeness enlightening of my journey from boyhood to manhood.  The edifying nature of such reviews aid me in realizing that I am a better person now for living my life, not that as directed by others.  Also rewarding is that being who I truly am has helped positively change those around me.  Whether they are more accepting of homosexuals, feel empowered by my open mind to challenge the creeds they have for so long blindly followed, find it appropriate to challenge political stances they hold simply because that is what their family taught them, or realizing that an open and questioning mind is one of absolute wonder and learning, I see that who I am can positively affect others.