Am I the only one who gets into these moods from time to time?  A melancholic downheartedness besets me from time to time normally originating from some event or events transpiring in my life.

I candidly admit a significant portion of my dire mood of late is in direct response to what seem a great many tragedies befalling my family: my aunt Jan’s and uncle Charlie’s deaths only four days apart (they were husband and wife, so you can imagine the heightened impact), my grandmother’s hospitalization and failing health, my mother’s unemployment…  Oh, and then there’s work and Grendel‘s situation and life in general and…  Well, I’m certain you know where I’m coming from even if I don’t lose myself in some depressingly despondent declamation of life’s list of hardships.

These moods strike me and engender emotions like depression and sadness.  I don’t care about visiting friends or dealing with people in general, returning calls, going out except when absolutely required, or otherwise being engaged by the world at large.  All I want to do is write, read, spend time with The Kids, sleep when I can (because sleep has increasingly escaped me lately), and otherwise be reclusive and quiet.  I am totally self-sufficient at these times, just as I am at all other times, and I don’t need anyone else because I wish for nothing more than to be reflective and silent in my aloneness.

I essentially don’t want to see anyone else.  Don’t mistake me for saying that others annoy me or burden me in unseemly ways.  OK, perhaps that’s how it feels at times like these, yet it’s just that I suddenly lose all desire for social interaction at all levels.  There are reasons for this.  Perhaps it’s that everything puts on the airs of heartrending transience.  Perhaps it’s that in my solitude I find the retreat necessary for rejuvenating my mind and healing my emotional bruises and scars.  Perhaps it’s something else altogether, but I know that I so often in these cases feel that my attention needs be focused on that which represents some measure of permanence — my kids, my life, my writing.

I realize how that sounds: depressing.  It is, and I am.  Despite my emotional independence, I do feel.  How can one under the circumstances not feel depressed when one feels as deeply as I?  I am highly empathic, often suffering — albeit often to a lesser degree — whatever is felt by those around me, yet my own passionate zeal for living and extroverted self-assurance mask from the majority whatever it is that I feel deeply.  This often means I retreat into my personal fortress of solitude so that I may find the retreat and respite I need.  This gives me time to recharge my emotional and mental batteries.  Because I am always happy doing my own thing and being me, I rely on myself, especially during these times, to be the strength and resolve on which I lean.

You think that’s not an especially healthy state of mind.  You think it harmful for anyone to feel that isolation helpful, that it’s inappropriate to feel that any man can be an island unto himself.  You think that no one is meant to be alone.

I might agree given different circumstances, but I am me and my needs for surviving life are not the same as anyone else’s.  Yours are also unique.  Like every situation, every person has an individual approach to living, so circumstances determine courses of action.  Under these circumstances in my life, I need time to recuperate.  It may be only a day, it may be several days, but I use these times to strengthen my resolve for living, tend to any emotional wounds which I may carry, and generally restore my own will and mental health for whatever struggles lie ahead.

In its simplest terms, sometimes I just need a break.  These brief respites from the world at large represent an opportunity for me to escape the world and focus my efforts on what troubles may vex me.

I have always assumed I was not the only person who follows such a ritual when life is pressing in from all sides and the very breath in my lungs is squeezed from my body.  You see, living can be difficult sometimes.  With all the talking to people, trying to figure out what people want and need from me, trying to figure out people in general, listening and talking, assimilating new ideas and other opinions, being receptive to different points of view and responding without prejudice, listening to the experiences of others, and telling my own stories, the inundation of my mind with so many demands and so much information can at times seem overwhelming when life has already provided an overflowing plate from which to sup.

In my case, it is as simple as needing a break, a breather.  I’m tired.  I’m spent.  Walking in the midst of life’s sometimes-hectic pandemonium does not always lend itself to the pauses I need to keep going.  It is at times like these I must retreat to my fortress of solitude for the momentary hiatus needed before continuing the journey.  A few moments of rest reinvigorates and refreshes the mind and body.  That is precisely what I need right now.