All from an e-mail conversation with Jenny.

Regarding my disinterest in pursuing jobs that will demand most of my time, energy, and mental capacity, all while giving little if anything in return:

See, it’s that situation with your job that has kept me from pursuing a couple of opportunities and two offers since I started looking for a job. I’m not doing it again. Ever. I can’t, Sweetie, and I’ll gladly accept lower pay — and adapt accordingly — to avoid it. I do not — WILL NOT — live to work. We should work to live; we should have opportunities to enjoy the fruits of our labor; we should know what it is not to think about work for the vast majority of weekends and off time. I have spent 20 years in this industry and in the working world itself. I’ll be 36 in four months and feel that everything was taken from me beginning with my first job. My kids deserve more. My family deserves more. My friends deserve more. I deserve more. Lee, Cedric, and I continued that conversation after you left Starbucks yesterday morning, and I adamantly made clear I’m not going to do it again. I can’t. I won’t. I refuse to.

Then:

As I said, those are the reasons I’m being picky about possible employment. I’m just not doing it again. I’ve had it and I’m not even 40. That’s sad. It’s also not uncommon in this country. Our capitalism must change. Otherwise, jobs go overseas and Americans belligerently approach all work.

And on the situation with Loki, and witnessing the unbearable:

Loki will be ten in February 2007. He’s not that old, although he can’t be considered young now (56 human years at his next birthday). That’s also why the concern is more for his heart because this is the normal age when cats would begin showing signs of heart disease. Asthma rarely shows up now; it’s far more likely when they’re young. And it is hard to see such a dramatic difference in him. It makes me cry often because he’s not the same cat. It’s like he’s been defeated for the first time in his life. That’s hard to watch. He’s always been superior to everything, although he has never challenged Grendel‘s alpha status. He could. And he would have won — but not now.

Followed by:

Loki too has a heart murmur. It goes with having an enlarged heart, although I’ve not mentioned it specifically. It’s the first time one showed up. Of course, it’s the first time the problem showed up, so that’s moot.

On being tired and worried:

I’m tired as well. I’ve not been sleeping well in almost a month. Vazra caused a great deal of that, and he still does. Loki’s situation has not helped and I wake each time anyone sneezes or coughs or so much as twitches. I’ve always been sensitive to what’s happening when I’m asleep. That’s helped with monitoring Kako for problems given her tendency to announce illness only when she’s on her deathbed. Grendel added to that with his asthma and hip problems. And Henry, of course, but it goes back much further than that. So I’m not sleeping well at all right now. I wish I could help. Talk about the suppressed leading the suppressed…