In reference to yesterday’s calamity…  Be warned I am so pissed off about this that I have spared no outrage in this post.  Expect me to be at my most savage.  This includes a tirade the likes of which I hope never to post again.

It was a Sunday morning like so many others before it.  I awoke, took a shower, gave Vazra his antibiotics, gave Loki his steroid inhaler dose, gave The Kids a treat, and finally headed to Starbucks around 8:00.  I sat with friends and enjoyed a casual morning of coffee and good conversation.  Eventually it was time to come home and do chores, so I stopped and checked the mail on my way home and came in the door around 10:00.  I started a load of laundry, cleaned the cat boxes, and then sat down to do some writing and posting.  It was just before 11:00 in the morning when I realized something was amiss.

I was sitting at my desk reading the news when I heard gurgling coming from the bathroom.  It sounded like the toilet.  I got up and went to see what was happening.  There wasn’t any problem with the toilet when I used it earlier to evacuate my bladder, so strange noises seemed out of place.  When I lifted the lid, there was a splash of water on the underside, but otherwise nothing seemed amiss.  Air bubbles in the line, perhaps?  Or some creature lost in the sewage pipes (that mostly came from recently seeing a story about a woman who discovered a baby opossum in her toilet in the wee hours of the morning; the poor thing apparently had crawled up through the pipes and was trapped under the shut lid)?  Something else entirely?

After standing there for a minute or so waiting to see if anything else would happen, and during which time absolutely nothing happened, I closed the lid and went back to the computer.  Before I was able to sit down, more gurgling noises drifted out from the bathroom.

OK, I thought, something is definitely wrong.

I went back to the restroom and again lifted the lid on the toilet.  This time, brown goo was rapidly bubbling up inside.  That’s when it got worse.  A geyser exploded from the bathtub and quickly began filling it with the same brown sludge.

Even I can readily recognize sewage when I see it.  And there was a lot of it filling both the toilet and bathtub, gallons of it flowing into my bathroom in an undeniable home invasion of the worst kind.

I dashed back to the desk and grabbed my cell phone to call for immediate help.  In the meantime, the bathtub continued to fill with all manner of unspeakable horrors.  The same kind of disgusting rubbish was also overflowing the toilet and spreading rapidly across the bathroom floor.

This is a bunch of shit!  I meant it literally.  Sewage was washing back through the pipes and pushing its way through the toilet and bathtub drains — and rapidly filling both and flowing out on the floor.

I reported the problem to the appropriate people while trying to remain calm, all the while making abundantly clear the severity of the issue and need for an immediate intervention.  As soon as I was off the phone, I corralled The Kids and put them all in the bedroom with some litter boxes, toys, scratching posts, and their food and water.  That would at least keep them out of harm’s way for the moment.

With help on the way, I grabbed all the towels out of the cabinets and built my own beaver dam in front of the bathroom door.  Regardless of the cause, I knew this problem would be a whole lot worse if this offensive brew was allowed to spread to the rest of the house.  If it reached the bathroom door, it would not just be the hardwood floor that was in jeopardy; it would rapidly soak into the carpet and begin dispersing throughout the abode, and that in turn would allow it to attack all of my belongings.  Logic made clear that cleaning and recovering from the mess would also be drastically more difficult if it escaped from the WC.

The plumber arrived in short order, as did a couple of maintenance-type folks, and they went to work addressing the problem.  It was already too late to be a quick job, however, and the plumber informed me of yet another disastrous aspect of all of this: the garage was full of sewage and it was flowing out under the door and into the street.

Mother fucker!  Can this shit get any worse?  But of course…

While the professionals worked to locate, identify and address the problem, the bathtub was filling with horrendous sludge that no person should have to see, smell, or otherwise experience.  The toilet, on the other hand, was overflowing.  Under different circumstances, it would have made a nice decorative water feature with the soothing sound of fluid and lavish flow over smooth porcelain surfaces.  But there was nothing satisfying with this.

The smell was overwhelming, sending me often to the edge of nausea.  And it kept coming.

There was a growing pool of the unpleasant muck on the bathroom floor, and the towels I’d already strategically placed at the door were rapidly becoming saturated in brown waste material and liquid.  I grabbed the rest of the towels I’d smartly stacked next to the door and added them to the growing structure blocking the filth from the rest of the house.  It didn’t take long for them likewise to become heavy with sludge.  I could see small pools beginning to seep through as it continued its way toward the door.

I was out of towels.  What the hell was I supposed to use then?

So I began grabbing sheets and augmenting the towel dam.  By that time, of course, the bathtub was more than three-quarters full and still it did not stop.  The toilet, on the other hand, was beyond hope.  It overflowed in symmetrical fashion with a roar that waterfalls might otherwise joyfully provide.  This was not joyful, though.

Having found the clog in the main sewer line right under my garage, the plumber was quickly working to clear the flow and stop this disgusting incursion.  By then, I was adding blankets to my little structure as the bathtub continued to fill and the bathroom itself became full of nauseous fumes and sewage.  If the flow was not stemmed quickly, there was nothing else I could do to keep it from expanding beyond the one room where it was isolated (excepting, of course, the garage).

Then, as suddenly as it began, the smelly cesspool began to drain.  Mere inches from the top, the level in the bathtub began to go down, and the toilet rapidly emptied.  The plumber obviously found the problem.

One of the maintenance folks came in with a wet-vac and promptly hit the bathroom.  With a standing pool of raw sewage on the floor and my makeshift barrier succumbing to the onslaught, he was just in time to save the day.

The plumber later reported what precisely caused the problem: a tampon, but not just a tampon.  It was a tampon wrapped in a wad of paper towels.

With a preemptive apology to those with sensitive natures, be forewarned I’m about to be as rude as I have ever been.

What kind of fucking cunt crackwhore bitch-from-hell lunatic vagina-bearing asshole flushes a tampon?  More importantly, what level of female ignorance is involved with a ho who will first wrap her used tampon in a huge wad of paper towels before flushing it?  Is there no intelligence involved in such a thing?  No level of common sense that might prevail against horrendous stupidity?

I don’t care how bad you’re bleeding, bitch, but you better take that shit and dispose of it properly instead of subjecting so many others to the unwarranted horrors of an apparent lack of brain power as is necessary to perform this kind of oblivious assault.  You inundated the senses and homes of people with sewage, and the people who suffered aren’t nearly as stupid and dumb and ignorant and unworthy of life as you are.

This is one case where I believe the wench responsible should be taken out and shot, but only after cramming up her you-know-what a dirty tampon wrapped in a wad of paper towels soaked in raw sewage.  Perhaps then she’d get the point.

Listen up, people, because I’m only saying this once.

You do not flush tampons.  Regardless of whatever white trash existence you may have grown up in, you don’t put that shit down the toilet.

You do not flush paper towels.  There is a level of intellect required to know this, and I believe it’s equivalent to the tables used by kindergarten children.

You just don’t do this fucking shit.

If you’re so intellectually challenged that you don’t know this, you don’t deserve to live.  You sure as hell don’t deserve to enjoy any semblance of civilized life, but civilized is absolutely what you ARE NOT!

While I doubt it will happen, I assure you I will be merciless if I ever figure out what empty-headed cunt-bitch-whore-crack-slut-from-hell did this to me.

But they didn’t just do it to me.  It affected several homes.  I just happen to be downhill from all of them, so my experience was worse than any other.

If you’re a woman and any of this surprises you, get a gun and go shoot yourself.  Do it now before you inflict this level of terror on anyone else.

If you’re a woman who already knew this, then beat it into your children and siblings and friends and any other female you know or see on the street so they don’t totally fuck up the lives of other people by way of this level of incompetent living.

She better hope I never find out who she is.  The least I’ll do is ensure she becomes my new toilet and general refuse receptacle.  And I’m not fucking kidding about that.  I’ve never seen such idiocy in my life.  I hope I never do again.  This woman single-handedly tapped the most vitriolic and vicious depths of my rage and anger.

In the meantime, I’m still cleaning up.  The carpet needs to be shampooed (despite not being impacted directly, sewage was tracked all over it; it also absorbed the smell).  All of my towels and sheets and blankets are being ruined in bleach-and-scalding-hot-water washes, and that followed by hours in the dryer on high heat.  The bathroom floor is being replaced, but it has also been bleach-and-scalding-hot-water mopped at least half-a-dozen times already, and it’s just been sprayed with an enzymatic solution designed to kill all biological life (bacteria and viruses and amoebas and the like included).  The same was done to the garage.

Sewage leaked into the walls, so significant maintenance is being performed there to cleanup the mess and keep it from growing into something even more dangerous.  The toilet and bathtub have been bleached time and again, followed by significant disinfecting, the same enzymatic treatment I just mentioned, and all followed by more bleaching and more disinfecting.  I may never feel secure with either of those again, regardless of how much they’re cleaned.  I’ve used more air freshener and Febreeze in the last 24 hours than is available in the entire city of Dallas, and I’m not done yet.  I’m burning scented candles as long as I’m awake.

And speaking of being awake, don’t think there was much sleep last night.  There wasn’t.  The smell was near overwhelming, and I had to run the exhaust fan in the bathroom all night long to get whatever help I could.  In the heat of Texas summer, I have the windows open to ventilate my home.  I’m keeping The Kids away from and out of the bathroom for as long as possible to ensure they aren’t exposed to the many infectious agents found in human waste, the same infectious agents to which I have been overly exposed in the last 24 hours.

Just so we’re clear on this, our waste products cause the likes of cholera, parasitic fluke and worm infections, tuberculosis, mononucleosis, brucellosis, fungal infections, staph infections, tularemia, myocarditis, rickettsioses, leptospirosis, Reiter’s syndrome, Pontiac fever, Legionnaires disease, Rota viral infections, Norwalk viral infections, Rhinoviral infections, Guillain-Barré paralysis, pneumonia, diarrhea, dysentery, and a list of ailments that is longer than you can possibly imagine.

As the EPA points out, “[s]ome common fecal-oral viruses are also transmitted by person-to-person spread, by respiratory inhalation and contact with infected surfaces…”  Did you understand that?  What I have been subjected to by this witless woman from hell is the possibility that I might easily be infected with an almost infinite list of infectious agents simply by breathing or touching surfaces exposed to her potty experiment in stupidity.

And that says nothing of what kind of threat this poses to The Kids.

I will reiterate one more time: I have never in my life been so angry and resentful at anyone than I am right now.  My life has been turned upside down.  My life and the lives of my children have been threatened and placed at enormous risk because some empty-headed woman who should have been aborted lacked common sense equal to that of dirt.

In closing: If I ever find out who the responsible party is, I will end up in jail because of my response.  Thankfully, that person will already be dead and it won’t really matter at that point since my need for vengeance and justice will have been satisfied.  I assure you, however, she will suffer tremendously and hellishly before I kill her.

I hope I am never forced to write something similar in the future…