Like most people who don’t own Bermuda shorts, I’m bored by ordinary travel. See the Beautiful Grand Canyon. OK, I see it. OK, it’s beautiful. Now what? And I have no use for vacation paradises. Take the little true love along to kick back and work on the relationship. She gets her tits sun-burned. I wreck the rental car. We’ve got our teeth in each other’s throat before you can say ‘lost luggage’. Nor do attractions attract me. If I had a chance to visit another planet, I wouldn’t want to go to Six Flags Over Mars or ride through the artificial ammonia like in a silicone-bottomed boat at Venusian Cypress Gardens. I’d want to see the planet’s principle features – what makes it tick. Well, the planet I’ve got a chance to visit is Earth, and Earth’s principal features are chaos and war. I think I’d be a fool to spend years here and never have a look.

— P J O’Rourke