[Loki]
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Category Archives: Loki
Devil in shadow
[Loki]
Expressions of a new self
Loki‘s condition seems to be stable now. I wish I could report he was back to his normal evil self, but that’s simply not the case. His personality is subdued along with his energy level. He still plays, but not as much and certainly with less vigor than he has for the last decade. He’s completely stopped being acrobatic and unbelievably agile. He still purrs, although I now have to temper inducing that activity because too hearty a purr sends him into asthmatic conniptions. His energy is easily drained. He focuses more and more on affection and just “being with me” than he does the violent play that once marked me with wounds and filled the hours with delight. His stamina is much reduced and requires that I monitor his activity more closely so I can intervene if he’s pushing himself too hard.
As I recently told Jenny, I can’t fault him for the changes in his personality now that he’s struggling to get the oxygen he needs. He has attacks almost every day, but some days are worse than others. There are times when I have to use the emergency inhaler upwards of four times in a day; there are others when it’s not used at all. The difference in his breathing is always obvious, however, and I pay special attention to it.
For a very long time, I felt Loki would enjoy the longest life imaginable given his unconquerable health and overwhelming vitality. To witness all of that taken from him in such a short period of time has been troubling and emotionally draining. Each of the other cats suffers from one malady or another, but not Loki. He has been the bastion of strength and physical representation of indomitable spirit. That feline is no more. I’m not saying his quality of life has diminished so much that it is no longer worth protecting. What I am saying is that his life has changed so dramatically that I find it disturbing and heartbreaking. Of course he still plays and runs and enjoys the wonderful life he has. It’s just that he’s lost something I never thought could be taken away.
This angers me to no end
It made me cry. It made me mad. It strengthened my growing conviction to make all future employment mean something more than just supporting an arbitrary and selfish corporation interested only in what it can do for itself. It is this about a cat:
This Persian was dumped onto Sharifah by someone who said he found her in a lift in Marine Parade. The rescuer was uncontactable [sic] after that.
Phyllis took the cat in and the Vet said this was not a young cat as thought but a very old cat with just a few teeth left. She was given the name Paula by Sharifah.
Paula was showered with lots of tender loving care. A kind person called JM is sponsoring the boarding fees and the vet fees as well.
Recently she has stopped eating.
Dr Robin Au saw her and administered an injection. He felt she was nearing the end of the road as a result of her age and chronic neglect.
She is now sleeping most of the time and she is comfortable. She is surrounded by people who love her and the sound of chanting from a CD player. The loss of desire for food is natural during dying.
You can send her your love during your quiet time.
You may also visualize her in a meditation practice called Loving-Kindness or Metta Meditation.
See the previous post about Paula here from just after she was rescued. It includes a video of her.
In addition, you can see photos of her here and here.
Go now. Read the previous post. Look at the pictures and video. Do it, goddamnit!
Now let me express a few things.
This is why I saved Vazra. He deserves better.
This is why Kako and Kazon are both rescues. It didn’t matter how much work or money would be expended on them; they deserved at least that much. To live.
This is why Grendel and Loki are the last of my adoptions. I will only do rescues from this point forward. Can anyone give me a reason why all shouldn’t be offered a chance? To live?
It is by the response to things like this that I judge people. Did it make you weep? Did it make you pause and consider how you might make a difference for the creatures given far less consideration than humans? Especially considering how little consideration is given to humans? Did it make you feel something strong enough to be important? Did it make you want to help, even if you already knew such help could not save this life? Even if such help could only make the last few days more comfortable without any other reward for yourself?
Let me finish with the words of the Buddha as quoted in the first link above (Sutta Nipata I.8 : Karaniya Metta Sutta):
This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied,
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in safety,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born –
May all beings be at ease.
Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings;
Radiating kindness over the entire world:
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense-desires,
Is not born again into this world.
And you wonder why Buddhism is the only philosophy comparable to and greater than any religion for which I have far more than just an appreciable level of respect… It doesn’t focus on what is best for you. It focuses on what is best.
Washout Lane :: Unraveled morning
The following is a draft I began over a year ago while I was still employed. I sadly forgot about it until I recently stumbled upon it again while going through all of the various writing projects languishing in digital limbo. I think it speaks for itself. It’s one of those regrettable mornings I think we all have at some time or another.
Have you ever had one of those mornings? You know the kind: it spirals downward and falls apart, ultimately making you late, and it only gets worse the more you try to get back on track. Hasn’t everyone had at least one of those mornings?
That’s how my Monday started. Monday! I should have expected it.
The alarm goes off at 4:30 as it does every weekday morning. The intention is to get my tired butt out of bed and be at the gym by 5:00. This works well for me, as I don’t have much control over the rest of my day so planning to go to the gym any other time is fruitless. It simply won’t happen. Events conspire to make it so. But back to my story…
I’m snug under the covers sleeping on my side. Kazon is happily unconscious under the covers with me curled up against my frame. Grendel is snuggly asleep on top of the covers behind my knees. Loki is sleeping at the bottom of the bed pinned happily on the side of my legs just opposite Grendel. With the three of them in these positions, I’m essentially immobile unless I wish to upset the balance of nature. When the alarm sounds, I quickly move to turn it off and make just enough of a ruckus to send all three cats fleeing in separate directions.
Free of obstacles, I lean over and manipulate the appropriate controls to silence the clock. Blurry focus through sleepy eyes reveals it is in fact 4:30. Time to get up, right?
The next time I open my eyes, it’s 6:45 AM. I can see disturbing traces of morning light filtering through the blinds and immediately realize it’s not completely dark as it should be. I’m also aware that the three kids are right back in their respective positions.
6:45 AM! I’m so startled by the loss of time that I leap from bed and send three felines soaring through the air as they attempt to escape the crazy man who replaced Daddy.
I run to the bathroom and start brushing my teeth as I prepare to shower and shave. Already my mind is racing through what is necessary to get out the door and to the office as quickly as possible. Many accoutrements of my morning routine become tornadic dances of veritable mayhem.
I finish brushing my teeth only after the process is extended by all the attention I had to shower upon The Kids. They need their morning fix. Somehow, 15 minutes goes by before my mouth feels clean and all of the cats are tended to. That’s not a good sign. I shave quickly, carefully avoiding unnecessary wounds and haphazard cutting, and realize I’ve lost yet another 10 minutes. The morning is going downhill rapidly.
I give The Kids fresh food and water before jumping into the shower. I can get that done in 10 minutes, no more. After dousing myself in the wet spray, I grab the shampoo bottle at the same time I remember I used the last of it the day before. Now in a snit that I had not replaced it then, and only somewhat aware of the enjoyable yet hysterical laughter pouring out of me (the kind that often accompanies such moments), I climb out of the shower and drip large amounts of water all over the bathroom as I rush to grab another bottle of shampoo from the cabinets. Then I leap back in the tub. Rapid lathering, rinsing, and repeating follow, and it is at that moment I grab the liquid soap and luffa. I upend the bottle and squeeze. This results in a grotesque sound and only a few drops of soap that explode out of the bottle. It too is empty. With a hat of foamy hair and racing stripes of lather beginning to drop down my body, again I fly out of the shower and back to the cabinet to retrieve more soap, and then it’s back to the shower with even more suspicious laughter stemming from the realization that I am only becoming later and later as I try harder and harder to hurry.
Imagine my horrific offense when my shower is complete and I realize 15 minutes have passed. With hurried toweling as I rummage through drawers to get deodorant and other necessary items, I’m finally dry and begin putting myself together. Anti-smelly in place and my body sufficiently moisturized, I trip over Grendel as I run to the bedroom to get dressed. I’m quite certain by then everyone in the city of Dallas hears my self-deprecating cackle. If I don’t laugh about it, I’ll just get mad and much stressed.
I pick myself up off the floor while petting Grendel to let him know it’s okay that he tripped me, and then I open the closet doors to face yet another delay: those moments of indecision wherein one stares blankly at huge amounts of clothing because one is unable to compile a reasonable ensemble. My hands fumble with this pair of slacks and that shirt only to realize they don’t go together at all. One goes back and a replacement is withdrawn, and then the cycle repeats several times, as I grow angrier at my own hesitancy.
With shirt, shoes, socks, and slacks finally and properly matched, I begin throwing on clothes. That’s when the button snaps off my pants. I’m certain it was my fault because I am in a hurry and undoubtedly pulled, pushed, or otherwise manhandled them with too much fervor.
I’ll finish it by summarizing with this: I did eventually get out of the house, but I forgot my wallet and cash, went home and retrieved those, got to Starbucks before realizing I also forgot my work keys and security badge, purchased my coffee before returning home yet again, spilled my coffee in the car (luckily not on me, though), and was finally on the road to work nearly an hour after I should have already been there. It wasn’t until I got to the office that I realized I’d forgotten some files I took home to work on the night before. At that point, I gave up and went home because I needed the files, and I worked the rest of the day from there because I felt it was unsafe to do anything else.