As you might have read by now, my roommate and I are moving later this month (April 21 to be precise).  There's so much work involved in moving, though, and I always end up feeling like I'm going to forget something.  It also turns into this chaotic episode of packing and making phone calls and packing and throwing things away and packing and more packing.  I just started packing this weekend, and I've already generated three garbage bags worth of junk.  No, we don't live in a house so cluttered with junk that you have to travel around via paths cut through the debris.  Quite to the contrary, actually, the house generally stays quite clear except for the kids' toys.  Still, as you dig through closets and drawers to pack things, you come across stuff that you can't possibly want or need — yet there it is.

For instance, I ran across my first two cell phones in their original boxes with the original documentation and accessories.  WTF is that about?  Did I really think the Nokia 6160 was ever going to come back into style?

While cleaning out the lowboy, I found the original documentation for an electric shaver I purchased two years ago and threw away shortly thereafter.

Have you ever wondered why you keep things like that, when at the time you're convinced it might actually be needed at some point in the future?

When I tackled one of the closets in my room, I found two Abercrombie & Fitch catalogs — both from more than two years ago.  Again, what was I thinking?  I must admit that I found them in a stack of tax-related papers and documentation, so I know they got put in that box by accident.

Still, the moral of the story is that I consider things necessary for no logical reason, yet I always find myself unable to comprehend the initial reasoning when I come across these lost treasures later.

Needless to say, this whole packing/cleaning thing is going to take me the next two weeks.

Still, I think we'll both be happy to get out of this place and into someplace new.  We've grown quite frustrated (dare I say repulsed) with the local inhabitants.  Trash doesn't go far enough in explaining the riffraff that has enveloped our once quiet little neighborhood.

It's not that we haven't had this problem before (children playing in the streets all hours of the day and night, playing in our yard and driveway like it belonged to them, people parking in our driveway like they owned the place [no, don't worry about me, I'll just stay home and starve so you don't have to get your nasty car out of my driveway!], and the list goes on).

Believe me, we don't live in the ghetto.  In fact, it's an affluent area of the DFW metroplex.  Still, it draws a lot of "new money" who have just enough money to live here but not enough money to furnish their homes.

So, again, we'll be happy to be out of here.

Our new pad is quite cool.  It's spitting distance from a lake (now hints on which one, since I don't want you freaks stalking me!), faces the woods and a creek (that runs into the lake), and is quite a distance back from the nearest major thoroughfare.

And the kids will love it, as the creek is already bustling with all sorts of wildlife, including a menagerie of birds and other wild creatures.  The kids love to talk to birds right now, so I'm quite interested in how they react to having a dramatically larger selection — and much closer than what they see right now — to choose from.

So I reiterate what I've said multiple times before.  As we get closer to moving, I can't promise that I'll keep the site updated daily, but I'll do my best.

This is the original version of this work which has since grown into quite a large document.  This originated anonymously in 1997 (the copy I have is dated September 8, 1997).  You can view some of the expanded versions here and here.

 

DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

CHAIRS and RUGS
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.

HAMPERING
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump too.

WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

PLAY
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

CAT GAMES

Catch Mouse: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

King of the Hill: This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.

WARNING: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.

This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

TOYS

Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away.

Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.

Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity.

PAPER BAGS
Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

FOOD
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.

c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.

d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent–your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.

e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

SLEEPING
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color.

If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

SCRATCHING POSTS
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

HUMANS
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

You will then have a smooth-running household.

If you've been in Texas for very long, you come to expect severe weather every spring.  Tornadoes, hail, lightning and thunder, heavy rain, flash floods, damaging wind…  We get it all.  This spring just got off to a very good start.  We've been under a tornado watch since early this afternoon.  Well, we didn't get a tornado (around here, that is, since there were some elsewhere), but we did get three successive storms, each worse than the one before it, and finished off with a hail storm that left it looking like winter outside.  And this wasn't just any hail storm.  Some of the hail was baseball size, and it lasted for 30 minutes or so.  Sounded like a war going on outside, and I and my roommate were convinced it was going to break some of the windows in the house.  Luckily that didn't happen.  Our cars were tucked away safely in the garage, but I can't say the same for other folks around here — all of whom are outside right now checking out the damage.  The power was out for about 45 minutes, but that was nothing more than an inconvenience.  And to think, we might get some more storms overnight and/or tomorrow morning before all of this goes away.

To see the National Weather Service warnings for us right now (to get an idea of what's been going on), choose the Read more link below.

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I've decided to do away with the idea of account-based interaction on the site and go strictly with the anonymous access approach.  Although you can still interact with me (the contact page, the guestbook, FAQ submissions, and the weekly newsletter are some ways to do so), I've decided to simplify the current incarnation of the site by doing away with user accounts.  Based on continued feedback, never-ending site development and my own whims, this may change or may become the permanent modus operandi for the site.  In either case, this is a functional change and in no way will impact content.

Two very significant things have happened in the last few days illuminating what little we know about the deep ocean and its inhabitants.

First, a colossal squid, a rare and dangerous creature, was caught by fishermen off Antarctica, New Zealand.  This is a significant find since it's only the second intact specimen ever examined.

Second, another type of giant squid was videotaped off the island of Oahu in May.  So fundamentally different from anything else we have encountered and having been seen only eight times on video (and never studied), this creature emphasizes what little we know about the inhabitants of the deep.