As I sit here writing this entry for xenogere / strange behavior /, with a candle burning on my desk and Evanescence playing in the background, I feel as if I'm beginning a journey I have taken before and yet have never taken, a journey I started more than ten years ago yet am beginning for the first time, a journey I have always feared yet needed.  So many things in life are longed for without realization.  We renege on so many promises that we make to ourselves.  We more often than not survive a life thrust upon us with little or no input from us.  Yet — and these times are rare and wonderful and frightening — we sometimes are provided an opportunity to experience a fantasy come to life.

You may remember when I wrote These are the words I never speak and the follow-up to that which addressed your vocal concerns about the placement of that open letter.

I now stand at a crossroads in my life, a moment the likes of which we are often not presented with, when the choices we make seem to have a direct and unmistakable bearing on our happiness, our future, our very being.

Not to wax and wane philosophical, but I am overwhelmed at the moment with the intensity of my emotional focus at this time in my life.

I am 33 years old — not a fresh pick from the tree while not yet withering on the vine — and have had my share of relationships with people.

You may remember that I mentioned I was enamored (to use as primitive a term as I can to portray the emotional intensity) with someone who has been a friend of mine for about ten years.  This particular friend, Rick, is, as my dear friend Jenny put it, not intimidated by my intense personality and is equally well equipped to keep up with my unpredictable wit and insufferable, analytically-inclined mind.

All of that means he can put up with my shit.

I met Rick through a mutual friend.  We hit it off immediately, but there was one little problem — my boyfriend.

Well, I was only 23 years old and not yet wet enough behind the ears to know anything about relationships, social interaction, love, sex, or good music.

I'll admit that I did in fact cheat on my significant other, but this had become the norm for our relationship.  I don't offer that as an excuse but instead as a reason.  Why do you think gay men believe other men aren't beginning to mature until they hit 25 years old?  It's because they're right.

But I digress…