It's been some time since I last spoke about my health supplements, so now is as good a time as any to give you an update.

I'm still taking multivitamins every day.  If you've spoken to a doctor recently and are over the age of 30, chances are you were told that daily multivitamins are a must.  I've always believed that to be the case and simply felt justified when my doctor verified it.

I'm continuing to use Body Wise International's Right Choice AM/PM vitamin supplements.  As you may recall, this was the brand that was recommended by Derek's friend who is a health fanatic and a doctor.

In addition to multivitamins, protein supplements are important to building and maintaining lean muscle mass.  Although my original research indicated that you should take 1 mg of protein for every pound of body weight, newer information shows that the ratio is actually 1.5-2 mg of protein per pound of body weight.  Since that level of protein intake and the corresponding nutrients necessary to ensure the protein is properly metabolized and used are difficult to achieve even on the strictest of diets, I use protein supplements.

I stopped using Cytodyne Technologies' supplements and have switched to Beverly International.  Their supplements are simply higher quality and more consistent in my opinion.

For general protein supplementation I use Muscle Provider.

For protein and caloric supplementation I use Mass Maker.

Here's how it works.

Since I do my resistance training early in the morning (usually starting around 5:00 AM), I have two servings of Muscle Provider (with water) just before I head out to the gym.  This enhances delivery of amino acids to the muscle tissue and increases protein synthesis during my workout.

After my workout I mix one serving of Muscle Provider and one serving of Mass Maker (with water) and take my morning vitamins with that.  This serves two purposes.  First, it's essentially my breakfast, providing a supercharged high protein, moderate carb meal.  Second, it provides the recovery tools my body needs immediately following a workout (including vitamins & minerals, fat, carbohydrates and protein).

In the early evening I mix another serving of Muscle Provider with a serving of Mass Maker (with water).  This is a snack with the nutrition of a meal.

Before going to bed I mix two servings of Muscle Provider with milk.  This helps slow digestion for superb muscle recovery and nitrogen replenishment throughout the night.

With four additional meals spread throughout the day (a morning snack, lunch, an afternoon snack and dinner), this approach ensures I get plenty of protein plus all the vitamins and minerals, carbohydrates and fat that I need — all of which are essential to proper health, especially if there's any kind of exercise involved.

I updated the Wildlife gallery with a new Insects section.  I'll be putting pictures I've taken of — you guessed it — bugs in there.  To start things off, I've added two pictures of some moths that I took.  Both were rather large moths; they were about 1.55 inches long by about 2.5 inches wide.  Note that one of these was originally posted in the Wildlife gallery itself but was moved to the new Insects gallery today.

I'm heading back to the gym.  Three or four months ago I let my membership lapse and stopped working out.  I was spending too much time taking care of Derek, managing his life, and putting in too many hours at work — I had simply run out of time to get to the gym on a regular basis.  On top of the time constraints, I became somewhat financially strapped when I was stuck with the old apartment after Derek moved out.

Because the last two years have been so hectic and overshadowed by the extenuating circumstances surrounding Derek, I think I simply had too much on my mind to remain focused on my workouts and goals.  Now that I'm out from under the veil of Derek's health situation and the overwhelming burden that placed on me, I think refocusing on my workout goals will be easier.  To ensure I get started on the right foot, I've hired a personal trainer to help me get a plan put together that should help me to realize my goals in the most expeditious way possible.

I'll post an updated workout plan as soon as I've had a chance to solidify it with the personal trainer.  Expect to see that in the next few weeks.  Once I get back into the groove of things, I'll start posting regularly on my progress.

By the way, I have a significant reason to focus on my workouts in order to make progress in reshaping my body.  xocobra, one of my three closest and best friends*, is getting married in July of next year.  The wedding is a destination wedding to be held on the beaches of Cozumel, Mexico.  As the best man in the wedding and the person driving the dress code, I think it would be wise for me to be in shape so I'm not the only one not in beach attire when the wedding takes place.  I think this will help keep me focused and put a definitive deadline on attaining a significant portion of my exercise goals.

* - The term "best friend" tends to sound exclusive, as if it were intended only for one person in my life.  That's never made sense to me since no one person can fulfill all of our needs and desires in the friendship arena.  I have three friends in my life that I consider to be my best friends — Jenny, xocobra and Rick.  I thought that worth mentioning since I will often refer to each of them individually as my best friend but do not intend that statement to exclude the other two from the same kind of relationship.  Each of them is a best friend for different reasons and each of them means the world to me.

After being an AT&T Wireless customer for many years, the Cingular acquisition of AT&T Wireless closed yesterday.  I've always been happy with AT&T for my cellular service, so I'm quite interested to see how Cingular will handle this.  Thus far they've said that the only change we'll see is the name on the bill.

They intend to combine both services under the Cingular brand by the end of November, only a month away, so it will be interesting to see what happens.  There are things about Cingular's service that I like (such as the ability to roll minutes from month to month; I did pay for them, right?), so perhaps in combining the two entities we AT&T customers will be given an opportunity to enjoy some new benefits.

For those AT&T customers like me, there's a new site where you can get updated information on the acquisition — newcingular.com.  It does say that AT&T customers will soon get to take advantage of things like Rollover Minutes, so perhaps this won't be a bad thing.

Bush has to go regardless of the cost.

I deliberated on the coming election and must voice my opinion.  I voted for Bush in 2000 because I thought Gore would be unable to fulfill the role of President, making him an unacceptable option.  Things haven't changed much in 2004 — Bush is running against a Democratic candidate who truly doesn't seem capable of fulfilling the role of Commander in Chief and "leader of the free world."  Kerry, on the other hand, is running against a Republican who has trampled the Constitution, is turning our country into a police state, and, not surprisingly, caters to the rich and big business.

I have been vexed by the choices for president this election season.  Neither candidate, in my opinion, should be in office.

Having no one in the President's office is not an option, though, so I'm left having to decide which of the options is going to be least problematic.  Unfortunately for Bush, that will be Kerry.

Bush has already proven himself an opponent of constitutional protections and rights.  He believes that a police state is acceptable.  He believes freedom is something we can set aside in times of national tragedy.  He has shown that everyone is free to exercise their First Amendment right to free speech so long as they agree with him and support him.  He's shown he can be the President only for his religiously devout supporters while not giving a damn about the rest.  He has demonstrated a hitherto unforeseen ability to separate America from its allies by abusing them, strong-arming them, insulting them, lying to them, ignoring them, using them, manipulating them, and otherwise mistreating them.  He has demonstrated a complete disregard for basic human rights and the obligations of international relations (such as the Geneva Convention).  He shaped an administration of like-minded cretins who entertain less than honorable intentions and employ brutal, sometimes monstrous, means to achieve their ends.  He has brought shame, dishonor, anger and mistrust to people both at home and abroad.

Don't misunderstand me.  There are certainly good things which Bush has achieved (the tax cuts for we the people [not we the big businesses who are significant campaign contributors], the rapid and decisive response to 9/11 insofar as invading Afghanistan is concerned, the No Child Left Behind education reform [a step in the right direction so far as taking action goes, but there's still much to be done in this area], and even the reorganization of the federal government which created the Department of Homeland Security [finally bringing together all of the related assets which had been haphazardly spread throughout the government before]).

The issue is that he has made significant mistakes in the areas that really count.  Our international relations are in tatters.  We went to war against a country under false pretenses (note: now that we made the mess, we can't leave until we clean it up; it's just that we shouldn't have been there in the first place).  The government can now more easily invade our privacy and abuse our rights without the need for proof or due process.  Your library records are now fodder for terrorism investigations which seem to happen completely under the radar of judicial oversight and media scrutiny.  Businesses are getting the majority of the items on their wish lists, most of which represent fewer rights, benefits and protections for employees (yes, there's that ugly we the people thing again).  He has demonstrated bigotry in his call for a constitutional amendment designed to, for the first time in our country's history, limit the rights of a certain class of citizens.  Under his command of our executive branch of government, our military violated the Geneva Convention and demonstrated that it is a case of "do as we say and not as we do."  America has shown by Abu Ghraib and Guantánamo Bay that our lofty morals are actually preached several octaves higher than we are willing to deliver.

I do not believe these are activities worthy of America's legacy.

John Kerry doesn't entirely thrill me with his questionable voting record to date.  He appears somewhat scared of making decisions or standing by them — or both.  I do not agree with all of his politics, but that is always true for me.  I am concerned that, similar to Gore, I am unsure of Kerry's leadership ability and fear it will be less than sufficient for the job ahead.  Kerry's choice for a vice-presidential candidate is troubling in that Edwards seems so childish to me (making me wonder what happens if Kerry is hurt or killed while in office and Edwards has to assume the reigns).

But Kerry isn't the issue in this race.  Bush has already demonstrated during his time in office that he cannot perform the functions of that office without violating the rights guaranteed us by that most holy of documents for Americans — the Constitution.  Any other complaints, even those I've listed above, are moot in comparison to that one event.  Reducing our rights as they are assured us by the Constitution is an affront to that very document.  It is injurious to Americans everywhere to know that we violate our own "law of the land" when it's convenient.  There is no greater crime or more important reason to vote for Kerry and ensure Bush isn't allowed to continue this precipitous corruption of our country.

Rick, Anthony (another friend of ours) and I went to see Team America: World Police yesterday.  Knowing it’s the brainchild of the same people who created South Park, we all went knowing precisely what we’d probably see.  Suffice it to say that our expectations were right on the money.

Irreverent, politically incorrect, and intended solely to offend as many people as possible, Team America was quite funny and entertaining.  The use of marionettes and marionette-sized sets and props made the movie even more over-the-top.

Some of the vulgarity was gratuitous (most of it fit right in with the story) and the sex scene between two of the marionettes was… well, let’s just say it was literally a sex scene between puppets.  Michael Moore becomes a suicide bomber.  Alec Baldwin leads F.A.G. (the Film Actors Guild) in support of the global terrorism plot masterminded by Kim Jong-il.  Team America destroys the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, the Arch de Triumph, the Great Pyramid and the Sphinx, not to mention the wealth of other collateral damage they do, all while "saving" the world.

If you’re a fan of South Park and the work of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, you’ll undoubtedly enjoy this film like I did.  Just don’t expect to feel smarter after you leave the theater.

I spent my Sunday and Monday nights watching Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars, a miniseries on SciFi Channel.  This was a thoroughly excellent continuation of Farscape.  I was one of those fans who was quite upset when SciFi canceled the show — prematurely if I must label it — in the height of its popularity.  I watched this series as close to religiously as one can get without actually being religious.  I certainly wasn’t disappointed in this miniseries, what can only be described as an attempt at damage control by SciFi, as it was truly a continuation of the series.

Deemed for some time as the most cinematic series on television and cable, Farscape has always been an engrossing sci-fi program.  The miniseries picked up right where the series left off and carried the story forward to a decent conclusion.

It’s already been said that this doesn’t necessarily have to be the end of the Farscape franchise.  I certainly hope not.

The Peacekeeper Wars starts with a bang and ends with a smile.  The adventures of John Crichton and Aeryn Sun and the rest of the gang.  Of course it’s a soap opera.  It’s certainly science fiction.  Adventure?  Got it.  Drama?  There’s some of that in there as well.

I suppose it’s like any other series in that it tries to encompass the entire spectrum of programming options — all in one show.

Farscape seems to do it best, though, as far as I’m concerned.  This show is terribly entertaining and the miniseries will interest anyone who loves a good story.  If you liked the series, you’ll more than enjoy The Peacekeeper Wars.  It will obviously never win an Academy Award or an Emmy, but it sure will entrance people who love good entertainment.

I find it amazing how life can keep bringing you back to a place that is all too familiar.  While I was going through my collection of writings in an attempt to find something that would fit my mood, I stumbled across this particular prose which could have been written today.  Amazingly this comes from a time in my life when I was going through another loss, another dear and close friend dying of AIDS — but, in this case, it was a long time ago with a friend named Roger.

This was originally written as an open letter to him, if I remember correctly.  Perhaps it’s also an open letter to Derek.

Tears lace my acceptance of that which cannot be changed.  That is how I have endured every moment since we found out.  Despite indications to the contrary, I have been preparing for this day as best I could.  The word ‘inevitable’ has become a dear friend to me.  Being realistic is something I have tried to teach myself.  I have even practiced cheerful farewells in front of the mirror—an embarrassing activity to say the least.

Yet no amount of preparation could have helped.  The vast emptiness that now represents the space you occupied is a lonely, bereft place.  Trying to fill it has been an exercise in futility.

I am amazed at how my time with you has been packed away so neatly in the recesses of my mind.  Those mental boxes are never so far away as to be imperceptible.  Even when I am not looking at them, I know they are there for I am reminded of them by visions of your bright smile, your cheerful laughter even unto the end, and your sweeping happiness that filled a room even when your body was small and frail.  Such memories dash through my heart endlessly.

Yet it is time to discard the past to its rightful place so room for a new future can be made.

Will there be a time when your absence will seem natural?  Will there be a time when someone else will sing new songs capable of filling the now empty hall where your voice so often carried the mood to new heights?  Will the void you left behind ever be more than a hollow place?

More than anything, I miss your smile, and the silence is unbearable.

[circa 1991]

I know I've not posted much over the last several months.  It's not been a case of disinterest in the site or posting here.  The difficulty has been a result of Derek's situation.  I've had a difficult time with his death, with everything that led up to his death, with his absence, with the entire situation.  The problem is multifaceted and not always easily quantifiable.

It would be incorrect to assume that my life has been entirely convivial since Derek's death.  In fact, I've struggled emotionally with the entire situation since I originally called his family in early August (the emotional affray with it before then was also significant but for very different reasons).

I have struggled with the fact that I called his family since August 1 when I made the first phone call.  Derek had made me promise for two years not to call his family.  There were many reasons he didn't want them to know about his condition, but the two most significant factors were the disease itself (he was embarrassed to admit he had HIV/AIDS) and his sexuality (suspicions aside, his family did not definitively know he was gay).  Having taken responsibility for his health and well-being, I was bound to respect his wishes and not involve his family.  When the diagnosis of AIDS-related lymphoma (a part of the HIV syndrome which is always aggressive and always appears in the final stages of the disease process) was revealed, I realized Derek's time was short (measured in a few months only).  That realization forced me to take action even though it directly contradicted Derek's wishes.

One thing that helped (even if only a little) was that I knew his family needed time with him since it was so limited.  My mother, knowing how I had struggled with the idea of calling Derek's family, even said, "I had the picture in my mind of his mom being heart broken if she were left out of his need and something happened to him.  She would have grieved forever for what could have been."

I love my mother dearly and respect her opinions, so it was helpful that, as a mother, she said, "I know I would feel horrible if my kids felt they couldn't talk to me about what ails them."  Knowing what I did about Derek's mom, I felt she would feel the same way (as would most, if not all, of the family).

Knowing that a course of action will result in the best possible outcome does not mean that it's an acceptable course of action, however, and this is what I have struggled with since I made that call.  For the two years in which I cared for Derek (during the most horrible part of the disease process), I had promised on many occasions not to contact his family.  It was a specific request by him.  In the position of being his caregiver and of having responsibility for running his life while he couldn't, it behooved me to respect his wishes.  If there was any possibility of his recovery (at least to some level or normalcy), it was necessary for me to respect and follow his wishes.

It was with some sense of betrayal that I finally called his family.  I knew his time was limited and that he would only last two or three months more at best, so denying his family the opportunity to participate in his care and to spend time with him would be devastating to them.  But the ends do not justify the means.  The fact is that I made a promise which I broke.  I had assured him many different times that I would not contact them about his condition, yet I did.  I do realize it was for the best and that the outcome was right, but that does not negate the fact that I betrayed Derek in some way by reneging on the promise I had made.

I struggle with the contradictory nature of that quandary.  By the time I called them, the lymphoma in his head was already putting pressure against his spinal cord, esophagus and brain.  This had the effect of negatively impacting his mental capacity.  Derek was already slipping away.  I had hoped, for myself, that this would help alleviate some of the guilt about calling his family — but it didn't.

In addition to the guilt over calling his family, I also struggle with guilt over my own feelings just prior to his last few months.  You may remember that, after almost two years of sacrificing my own life in order to care for Derek, I became frustrated with the situation.  I even felt as though I were being used in some way.  I felt as though I had given up so much for insufficient reasons and that I needed to focus on living my own life again.

The reason I had sacrificed so much was because Derek didn't want to call his family and get them involved with his health situation.  After two years of running myself into the ground and giving up so much just to ensure Derek was cared for, that reason didn't carry much weight with me because I saw it as a selfish excuse.  Sadly I was ignoring what I already knew too well — that Derek's reasons for not calling his family were legitimate (albeit unfounded) and that, for his welfare (literally), I needed to respect his wishes.  It is, after all, difficult to focus on getting better when your fears are being realized and your wishes are being ignored.

I look back on how I felt and question my own humanity.  I know what I felt then was normal and reasonable under the circumstances, but looking back now makes me question it.  Derek was dying — truly dying with only months to go — and all I could think about was myself.  I didn't stop caring for him and didn't walk away from his needs, but my emotions certainly weren't wholeheartedly in favor of continuing to care for him.  I had done my bit for king and country and felt that it was time to hand the torch to someone else.  We were only friends and roommates, not lovers, so whose expectations was I fulfilling by giving up so much?

Looking back at it now, I feel tremendous guilt for the selfishness I felt then.  I feel as though I did something wrong by wanting things to change, by thinking of myself when Derek was slowly passing away in front of my eyes.

He was doing better at the time.  He had been home for a few months (which ended shortly thereafter, something I didn't know was happening) and his health appeared to be improving (something we only found out was untrue later when the lymphoma presented itself).  It's a case of judging my actions against what I didn't know at the time — judging it against hindsight.  If I had known at the time that he only had a few months to live, I would have felt differently, but that fails to reconcile the guilt with reality since I know how I felt at the time and only now know what Derek's true prognosis was.

Another part of my emotional pain has been a sense of failure.  I spent two years of my life trying to keep Derek alive, managing his care, meeting with his doctors, making sure Derek himself understood what was happening and what the best decisions were, learning everything I could about his various diagnoses, and focusing primarily on ensuring that he received the best possible treatment in order to provide the best quality of life followed by quantity.

When you have spent two full years providing care for someone under these circumstances, I believe it's normal to take on a certain sense of responsibility for their well-being regardless of how much actual control you may have.  In this particular instance, I was fully in control of Derek's life as if it were my own.

I am not responsible for what happened to Derek.  I was never in a position to heal him.  There was never anything that could be done to stave off his inevitable death (as is the case for all of us), but I cannot help but feel as though I failed him on some level, that I failed his family in some way, that I failed myself, that he died because I didn't do enough.

In addition to the second-guessing I've mentioned above (which is precisely what it is regardless of whether it's normal or not), I continue to suffer through all of the emotions surrounding Derek's death — the things we all feel when someone we love passes away.

I feel the anger over his death, knowing that this disease is horrible and painful and emotionally violent.  Derek was a good man and certainly never deserved to die like this (or this early in his life).  He was a great friend, one that I will miss for the rest of my life.  He was a close confidant with whom I could share anything and discuss everything without fear or trepidation.  I miss him so.

I feel lonely sometimes when I come home and realize he won't be here.  I think about him often with respect to The Kids.  He loved them so much.  I feel bad from time to time thinking about silly arguments we had in the past and how shallow they seem now when compared to what has transpired.  Simple things remind me of him as well as his absence, including television programs, songs and current events.

There is also the separation anxiety which I can clearly identify and know that I feel.  This has been a double-whammy emotion since it surrounds two very different aspects of the situation.

First and foremost, of course, is the absence of Derek as a major part of my life.  Eight years of close friendship, of being roommates, of being a part of my family, is not easy to get over.  Derek was important to me.  I feel his absence weighing heavily on me each day as there is always something to remind me of him.  Perhaps it's something I see or hear that I know he would find humorous, something I would normally want to call him about or discuss with him when I'd see him next.  This is the normal aspect of separation anxiety — missing the person after they're gone.

The second side of this is a feeling of near uselessness.  It's not that I feel as though there is no purpose to my life, but I did spend the last two years focused primarily on caring for someone who was deathly ill and would never be completely better.  I met with doctors and nurses and therapists, I visited the hospital almost daily to stay on top of his condition and to visit with him, and I spent the rest of my time managing two lives — Derek's and my own.  I was responsible for managing his finances, dealing with his employer, fighting the insurance companies, and generally taking care of his affairs.  Doing this for one life is usually a full time job.  Doing it for two people is almost completely overwhelming.

Both of these aspects of the same emotion feel like massive holes in my life.  There is a very real emptiness — both physical and emotional — which is difficult — but not impossible — to overcome.

I also feel terrible for his family.  Despite any hardships associated with caring for Derek for two years before his family was involved, there is a certain sense of satisfaction that comes when someone trusts you with their life and asks you to ensure their well-being while they're unable to do so.  As my mom pointed out, his family would have been devastated had they been left out of his need entirely.

And yet I cannot help but feel bad for them because they were left out of so much of his suffering and need.  For the two years prior to my calling them, Derek's entire life had been entrusted to me for safekeeping.  Despite the normalcy of this kind of situation in the gay community (we often have to rely more on our extended families because our nuclear families tend to distance themselves from us due to our sexuality and the societal stigma that comes with it), I know my family — especially my mother — would want to help and to be there for me when I needed them most.

Derek's family wasn't given that chance until the end.  This was Derek's choice and I certainly respect his reasons for wanting it that way, but it must weigh heavily on his family to know they couldn't be there for him.

There were many things they missed that I know they must regret — his last Christmas, spent in the hospital; his last Thanksgiving, also spent in the hospital; his last birthday, as you can guess, spent in the hospital; the list goes on.

His family must also be struggling with what, from their perspective, surely seems like too short a time to spend with him before he died.  They were called on August 1 and informed of his condition.  Within days they swept into town, scooped him up, and only slightly more than a week later had him on a plane headed back to his hometown where they could care for him.  On September 7, just five-and-a-half weeks after I called them and only three weeks after they moved him back home, he passed away.

They had suspected for more than a year that he was ill, and, even having guessed correctly at what was wrong, they never knew the truth until his time was so limited that they had less than two months to spend with him.  There were many hopes of helping him get better, plenty of talk about friends and family helping take care of him, and a whole lot of love being poured out to ensure he knew he was loved.  All of this was cast aside when he died, something I think must have left them feeling guilt about not acting on their suspicions earlier and perhaps being involved longer, shame that Derek had felt it necessary to hide his condition and life from them for so long and to such a detrimental degree, and anger about losing him so quickly after they found out.

The menagerie of emotions I have lived with over the last several moths, including those I've mentioned above, are my constant companions for now.  I continue to struggle with the very normal emotional state that follows such an event.  I gave up two years of my life for Derek.  We were close friends and roommates for eight years.  I expended tremendous amounts of energy, emotion and time caring for him when he couldn't care for himself.

It would be presumptuous for anyone to tell me that what I feel is wrong or that I shouldn't feel this way or that way.  It would be laughable for anyone to say they know how I feel.  It would be offensive for anyone to belittle these emotions.

I'm posting this entry as a cathartic exercise, perhaps even didactic as it relates to me, since I cannot live the rest of my life second-guessing my actions as I have done recently.  I know these feelings are normal.  I understand that, given the circumstances, it behooves me to face my feelings with my eyes wide open, to understand that what I feel is not out of the ordinary, and to realize that my loss is quite real.  It will take time to get over some of these feelings while some of them will be with me for the rest of my life.

I felt it important to let all of you know why I've been so distant lately and why the site has languished in near-dormancy.

Evanescence said it best in the song "My Immortal" from their album Fallen.  The following is a paraphrastic excerpt from that song that very adequately describes some of what I'm feeling.

…your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase…

…now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me…

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years…

…i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone…

After posting Bush's debate notes, I only thought it fair that I post a little something about John Kerry.  After watching the debates and listening to his spin on terrorism, Iraq and other world affairs, I thought this little picture was perfect to balance out my Bush bashing.