Have I ever mentioned that Jenny likes to keep me on my toes?  The truth is that we love to debate and have on many occasions taken positions opposite our own just to enjoy a vocal and intelligent deliberation.

So it was with some level of amusement when, after posting Inspirational in which I said "I'm the consummate cynic," Jenny sent me an email with a quote from Oscar Wilde.  Here's the text of the email.

"The definition of a cynic is one who knows the price of everything…and the value of nothing."
  – Oscar Wilde

If you've watched the Random Thoughts for any amount of time, you've undoubtedly noticed that I have quoted Mr. Wilde on multiple occasions.

This, however, will not be among those quotes.

For you see, this is not a quote of Oscar Wilde at all.  It is, on the other hand, a common incorrect paraphrasing of a line from Lady Windermere's Fan by Oscar Wilde.  The rejoinder in the play is that a sentimentalist — not a cynic — places an absurd value on everything and knows the price of nothing.  In fact, here's the actual quote from Oscar Wilde's Lady Windermere's Fan.

A sentimentalist, my dear Darlington, is a man who sees an absurd value in everything, and doesn't know the market price of any single thing.

Obviously Mr. Wilde wasn't describing cynics — only sentimentalists.

But that doesn't address the larger question of what a cynic is and why I consider myself a cynic.

To be certain that I'm clear on why I call myself a cynic, perhaps the definition of the word will help.  Merriam-Webster defines the word cynic in the following way.

1 capitalized : an adherent of an ancient Greek school of philosophers who held the view that virtue is the only good and that its essence lies in self-control and independence

2 : a faultfinding captious critic; especially : one who believes that human conduct is motivated wholly by self-interest

Can you guess which of those definitions I am applying to myself?

You got it!  Definition number 2 — a faultfinding captious critic who believes that human conduct is motivated wholly by self-interest.

I define myself that way because I believe that people are solely interested in personal gain, that ultimately, when you peer behind the action to understand the cause, you often find less than honorable intentions.

But I am referring to people as a whole (i.e., the herd mentality of humans) and not to individuals.  I do believe that an individual can have honorable intentions, and I believe that not all individuals are bad.  But I also believe that people as a whole are inherently unstable, self-centered and selfish, and motivated by the desire to get ahead by screwing others.

So when I say I am the consummate cynic, I mean I believe that people in bulk are usually up to no good.  And I'm usually right.

Hell, I know I'm usually up to no good…

Isn't that always the question?  So what do I do?

I end this particular journey of discovery precisely where it started.  I'm sitting here at my desk with a candle burning next to me and Evanescence playing quietly in the background.  I think about the 33 years now behind me and consider carefully the unrealized longings in my life, and I have to wonder if they are unrealized because I failed to act, because I acted too quickly or at all, or because of circumstances completely outside of my control.  Have I reneged on promises I've made to myself?

Am I being "provided an opportunity to experience a fantasy come to life"?

Disappointingly I do not know the answer to that histrionic question.

Yes, I can hear the collective "WTF!?" coming from all of you.

But I do not honestly know.

I didn't know when I started it how this series of posts would end.  There was no script.  There was no outline.  I sat down each day and I wrote.

My own happiness — or pursuit thereof — is my responsibility and no one else's.  I must decide what my next course of action is.  "I can do nothing and see where it goes.  Or I can do something and see where it goes."

I choose to do something.

You may be wondering what happened to clear my mind so quickly.  Don't be fooled.  My confusion hasn't necessarily wavered.  In fact, I would say it has increased.

I intend to act, to do something, to take a step — regardless of what that step is or when it happens — to make my interest known to Rick.

But what do I do?  And when do I do it?

Yes, indeed, those are the questions to be answered.  But they will not be answered here.  They may not be answered on the site, although you can rest assured that I will let you know what happens.  Maybe as it happens.  Maybe after it happens.  But I will let you know.  I don't kiss and tell, so if that's what you're looking for, take your filthy mind elsewhere.

Hmm, voyeurism… Wait, come back.

Just kidding.

Not really.

The point of my drivel-laden emotional outpouring has been twofold.

It was first and foremost emotionally purging for me.  Writing these entries over the last few days has been relaxing in a way.  I don't know how else to describe it.  There are emotional cathartics involved which I can't entirely explain at the moment.

It was also novel as a way for me to organize and analyze what I was feeling versus what I was thinking (often not agreeable counsels on such matters).  Utilizing a public forum and considering all feedback honestly, I feel that I have reconciled all the concerns and am on the right path.

I'm mindful of my friendship with Rick.  You can be certain that I'm quite mindful of it.  But I think there is room for more — perhaps what we already have to some degree or something different, something more.

It's important to remember that relationships evolve regularly, even those which seem to escape the grasp of whatever temporal reaper plagues us with age.  Someone once said that a person is not who was presented in the last conversation but is who they have been throughout your relationship with them.  I believe those very relationships work in much the same manner — they evolve and change and grow and fluctuate.

It's equally important to remember that what "I want more than anything" right now can easily become a memory.  We are human.  I am human.  I am fallible, as are my emotions.

To feel a certain way for ten years is an indication to me that my emotional state is not unstable (i.e., I'm not wishy-washy on this matter).  But it doesn't mean that some shrouded and indiscernible combination of recent and ongoing events hasn't somehow brought me to this place.

Only time will tell.

I know that what I feel is quite genuine and unmistakable.  That's all I can act upon.

So I continue to subjugate my own confusion by pure resolution.  I will not let the opportunity slip away, but I will not ruin that which I already have and cherish so dearly.

Stay tuned, little rug rats.  This story is not finished…

Due to the continued assault of idiots spamming the site with link submissions, I have decided to disable anonymous users from submitting links.  Only registered users will now be able to submit links for inclusion in the site.

If this upsets you, I suggest you contact the bonehead responsible for this and this, among the many other shit sites which are submitted here by unscrupulous idiots like Charlton Conine.  Spam is spam regardless of how it gets in my face.

Unregistered users can still report a link as broken, but only registered users will be able to submit new links.

Sorry for any inconvenience or heartache that may case, but you need to get over it.

But all things are not equal.

The journey is indeed familiar while being completely alien, but it began more than ten years ago.  This journey dates back to the day I was born, driven by my very being.  It is a path wrought with perils both real and imagined and filled with wonders to satiate desires both gross and subtle.  But it's neither for the weak nor timid and is never finished by those willing only to sit and watch.  It is the journey of life, the pursuit of happiness and satisfaction and fulfillment, the only true priority we have — to live.

So I sit here like a gloomy little boy caught in a quandary which can only be described as an unrealized longing coupled with the emotional vortex of love — both pulling me headlong into a rendezvous with the reality of complex relationships.

After realizing that my infatuation with Rick was alive and well, I put considerable thought into precisely what I was feeling and what I would do with those feelings.

It may be difficult to understand, or it may be quite easy to comprehend, but my infatuation with Rick has never been as simple as a school-boy crush.  It is in fact the kind of emotional attachment which survives through the seasons with no sign of age or change.  It is the expression of a longing, a need, which cannot be reconciled with the passage of time.  It is, as I pointed out in These are the words I never speak, love.

Yes, I can already hear you asking the questions one would expect when professing love for someone.

Is it really love?

Yes, it is.

Love is a multifaceted emotion which can describe our feelings toward friends, family, a food or drink, a book or movie, a physical sensation, a significant other, or an infinitely long list of things which each engender a different kind of love.

But they are all love.

How do you know it's not just a crush or infatuation?

I know.

We must each decide on the proper interpretation of our emotions.  I cannot tell you what you're feeling any more than you can tell me what I'm feeling.

In this case, I assure you that I have used the correct term to describe what I'm feeling.  My heart and my mind both tell me that it is love.  How can I argue?

Do you love him or are you in love with him?

Both.

I have loved Rick for many years on a platonic level.  We are, first and foremost, friends.  I love him in the way that one loves a close and trusted friend.

But I also love him on a level more profound than platonic and in a way not so easily described.

And I am in love with him.  This is often the easiest kind of love to identify as it doesn't require hyper-analysis to understand.  When we are in love with someone, we feel it physically, emotionally and psychologically.  It overwhelms us with its constant beckoning for fulfillment, its often unending need for attention, its incessant longing.

Ultimately I decided to do nothing about my feelings.  I loved our relationship as it was and considered it to be perfect.  Rick and I continued to grow close even after I began to realize I had never let go of my attraction to him.  It did not pose a threat to our relationship, so I saw no need to do anything other than suppress the feelings and enjoy the friendship.

Understand that Rick is a dear and rare friend.  The platonic relationship is something I would never want to give up as it is truly the kind of friendship which few people ever get to experience — a true friend; a trustworthy friend; a friend who knows all of your secrets and still loves you, still accepts you; a friend who will do anything for you; a friend who will always be there for you regardless of what transpires between you; a friend who will always be your friend.

And yet I am equally attracted to Rick on a level which is anything but platonic.  I am physically attracted to him.  I am sexually attracted to him.  I am emotionally attracted to him.  I am intellectually attracted to him.  I feel overwhelmed with desire when I am with him.

To add to the confusion I already feel about the situation, my relationship with Rick has recently taken on a new and interesting facet.  There is now a physical element to it that exacerbates my confusion and subjugates my logic.

Before you tell me that the physical aspect of our relationship negates this entire self-revelation and personal quest for direction, it's important to realize that sex and love are two entirely different things.  I have always believed this, I know Rick believes it, and I suspect many other people believe it (otherwise there wouldn't be as much infidelity in society).

I have friends with whom I can enjoy physical affection without emotional attachment.  The friendship survives because there is no need to complicate the physical aspect of the relationship by trying to make it more than just sex.

Sex is not love is not sex.  You would do well to remember that.

I do not believe that the new physical relationship between Rick and I has to drive the overall friendship.  On the contrary, when you have a friend with whom you are truly comfortable and at ease, sex can be nothing more than the sharing of physical satisfaction without worry.  There are no expectations and no performance anxiety.  The comfort and intimacy afforded friends allows the sex to be equally without complication.

And the crossroads I spoke of finally comes to light.

I am slowly realizing that there are fewer and fewer days ahead while there are more and more days behind.  If I am to be happy and fulfilled in life, it falls to me to make it happen.

I cannot and will not give up the friendship I have with Rick, but I am pursued by my own emotional desires to see more develop between us.

Yes, my life can be full and rich with our relationship unchanged from its current state, but I also feel that I could be happier and enjoy a richer and fuller life if I could find true happiness with that one person (a soul mate, if you will).

What if Rick is that person?  What if he isn't?

Rest assured that I have heard all of the arguments before and fully understand what my options are.

I can do nothing and see where it goes — literally do nothing; act as if nothing has changed and continue with our normal activities; make no attempt to draw attention to the change in atmosphere, no attempt to discuss feelings, no attempt to discover what he's thinking or feeling, no attempt to communicate what I want so badly to share with him.  This approach means I change nothing, I do nothing but continue with the status quo.  If something happens, it happens either because he made it happen or because it was going to happen on its own.

Or I can do something and see where it goes — do something; discuss the situation, make a move to signify interest, modify our interaction to show a pursuit of something more — all without flying off the handle, so to speak; make some attempt, regardless of how minuscule, to clearly indicate the relationship's continuing evolution is welcome; find some way to communicate, without being overly emotional or clingy, that I would like to see if something more can come from this.  This approach means I take some action, regardless of how small, in an attempt to discover whether I am alone in my desire to cultivate more from an already fantastic relationship.

But it's neither for the weak nor timid and is never finished by those willing only to sit and watch the journey take place.

I said that at the beginning of this post.  I meant it.  I believe it.

I have never been one to sit back and hope that life gives me what I want.  No one has ever found satisfaction in life by accepting things as they are, by letting life give you what it will, by living as though fate or god or predestination has removed all choice from our existence.

Life is to be lived, not glanced at once in a while.  It is to be experienced, not observed.

I do not want to be improvident, but I cannot sit here and wait in the hopes that what I want more than anything will eventually fall into my hands — the opportunity to see if there can be more.

But sitting and waiting could be the only thing that keeps me from ruining a perfect friendship.

Confusion is like a slow falling, a kaleidoscope of grays that stays the same the more it changes, a field of contradiction without gravity or form, a rush of silent confetti that belongs to no one.

I wrote those words almost 20 years ago, yet they are now more relevant and applicable than ever.

So what do I do?

You might remember over a year ago when I said I was going to get my navel pierced.  You are safe in assuming that it hasn't happened since I posted my intention to do so.

But, and I say this with the wholehearted intention of making it happen, I will be going this weekend to get my navel pierced.

It's the second step for me to get back to my body modification adventure (the first was getting back to the gym).  The more I get back to doing the things I enjoy doing, the more I feel like I've gained some control over my life (something that's been missing lately due to extenuating circumstances which I won't go into here).

Luckily my dear friend Jenny has been wanting to get another ear piercing, so it seems the perfect time for me to get off my ass and go get the next piercing I want.

So off we go.  Unless the world ends between now and next weekend, I should have my navel freshly pierced this time next week.

And now that I've decided to get back to the piercings, I also feel it's time to get back to the third step in my body modification agenda — my tattoos.  So expect some increased discussion in that area in the coming weeks as I try to finalize the next ink experience.

To honor my return to the joys of "decorating" (it's my body, so I can decorate…), I will be taking some pictures of my existing piercings and tattoos and updating the galleries accordingly.