Impasse.  It’s an obstacle to forward momentum or progress, and it’s also a road without exit.  Both definitions will do for that’s where I now find myself.

It began with a realization.  Doesn’t all change thus begin?

I’ve grown highly dissatisfied with living in Dallas.  Less specifically, I’ve come to accept I no longer have it within me to endure city life.  Overcome with urban anguish and disengaged from my own environment, I no longer find contentment here.  I doubt I could find it in any population center.  It’s no longer me.

But what can be done about this?  I already decided the course of action best suited to address my newfound outlook.  For it is within me to understand I am unhappy now and undoubtedly must answer the questions I’ve ignored.

So herein lie those answers.

Opportunities abound in other worlds and distant places.  Promise rings with the sound of hope, yet it remains unheard in this time, this location.  I must find it elsewhere.

Forsaking comfort’s embrace wrought of a coward’s familiarity with the known, I embark on a new journey to escape that which no longer holds me dearly.  Only in the arms of new places will I find that which I need.

While I cannot definitively say when it will occur, this disenchanted soul will leave the city behind and carry home and hearth to unfamiliar realms.  One can safely assume it will be within a year despite my ability to prognosticate to that degree of accuracy.

I must first get my financial feet once again beneath me.  I must likewise evaluate the where and when of what is to come.  Although leaping before I look beckons like the adventure and change I so desperately need, it is not just the I of this house who must commit to such a dramatic dislocation.  Others more needing of consideration similarly require my attention.  No matter what I do or where I go, they come first.

Yet the decision is already made.  Only the specifics, the mechanics, remain unclear.

This much I know: I will not stay here any longer than is necessary.  My heart cries out for what cannot be found in the city, my soul reaches for what cannot be obtained so long as I remain where habit and longstanding existence hold me hostage, and my very essence demands what can never be had where the detritus of civilization continues shrouding my vision and restraining my spirit.

I am leaving Dallas.  I am leaving the city.  It’s not for me anymore.  Perhaps it never was.  Perhaps I only needed decades to learn that lesson.

Parting will not be simple.  I will not leave behind in forgetfulness those with whom I share love and companionship.  In the same breath, however, I cannot stay where displeasure greets me at every turn.  My life is to be lived and cannot be lived where I am.

I don’t know with certainty where I will go.  I do know with certainty that it will be rural, country, away from so many people and so little nature.

What I do know is that to fuel passion’s flames and soothe the restless beast within, I must take leave of this cacophony of mayhem and others like it.  Only then can I find the other side of me.  Only then can I be free, the me I am meant to be, the man I am yet am not while I reside in such displeasure.

Preemptively I beg forgiveness.  I do not turn my back on those I love and cherish, but neither do I turn my back on myself.  I ask for your understanding.

It will not be far, though, a distance measured in but a fraction of grains from the hourglass.  Not all the sand will fall before I find my new home.  I assure you I will not be gone—only remote.  My form shall grace this place regularly so that I might visit with you.  By the same token, my voice you will hear often and my written word will not abandon you.

Already I dream of that day when maybe I can plant a garden and grow vegetables to sustain me.  Already I dream of being surrounded by that which I so desperately need, nature’s own presence offered unencumbered by humanity’s fumbling hands and careless minds.  Already I dream of tranquility that doesn’t exist for me now.  Already I dream of being surrounded by a world alien to these concrete jungles.

All I ask is that you let me pursue my dreams.  And understand.

This is the quest I spoke of, the passage I must make to carry me from despair to expectation, from hopelessness to promise.

So it ends where it began…

I’ve decided I’ll move away from city life and find a place to call my own.  I’ll get rid of the things that weigh me down.  I’ll invest in a simpler life.  I’ll make do with the minimum necessary to ensure The Kids are taken care of and enjoy the worry-free living they now have.  I’ll focus on my writing and Earth’s sweet offerings.  I’ll live for the living and not for the taking—or the takers.  I’ll love my friends and family while enjoying what I need most.  I’ll finally listen to myself again.