Hey, Blindf8th!  Update your damn site already.  We know about Toby, but that was more than a month ago.  Get over it and move on.

During my high school years I struggled with my true identity.  I was raised in a religious family and, as you can no doubt guess, homosexuality was viewed with the same disdain as murder (I think it was strongly believed that homosexuality was the 11th commandment that had somehow been dropped from the English translation of the bible).  Since I couldn't very well change who I was, it was much easier to hide myself behind an aesthetic representation of what I thought others wanted to see.  This was true of many of my friends as well as my family.

Once I became convinced that I wasn't insane, possessed, evil or cursed, I began — little by little — to share my secret with some of my closest friends.  Having not learned to be as good a judge of character as I am now, this unfortunately resulted in the loss of some of my so-called friends.

I've gained enough experience in life now to realize that being gay only interferes with those relationships which didn't matter to begin with.  In high school, on the other hand, it was traumatic and a difficult lesson to learn.

This is a letter I wrote to one such friend who, after I told him I thought I was gay, immediately turned against me.  He was undoubtedly my best friend at the time, so you can imagine how much pain that caused.  I tried desperately to salvage the friendship to no avail.  I couldn't change who I was and he couldn't change who he was — and the two were mutually exclusive as I learned.

You see, he was a devout Christian — a Pentecostal holy-roller you might say.  Although I believed tolerance and love for all mankind was the mantra of most major Christian faiths, I did not realize until it was too late that loving the sin and hating the sinner is a concept which is applied only when convenient.

I look back now and realize that this friendship wouldn't have mattered in the scheme of things given the fundamental differences between us, but this was a friend from whom I learned a great deal and with whom I felt I shared a special bond.  Apparently I was wrong.

But that doesn't negate the pain and didn't make it any easier to lose someone I held so dear and in such high regard.

So this is the first letter I wrote to him in the hopes of, if nothing else, spurring a dialog between us.  The attempt was a complete failure.  So I ultimately tried again with a second letter which I will post later in the week.  Yes, it too failed.

I have not seen or spoken to him since then — now almost 16 years ago (I know I'm dating myself with that statement).

For now, feel free to take a look at my first attempt at damage repair.

You cannot realize the absolute caution and trepidation with which I entered this friendship.  I feared the many mistakes I would make, the many embarrassments I might bring down upon you.

But you helped me.  You taught me that to make a mistake is to say "I'm human."

I thank you for the time and effort you have spent on me.  There are no words to express my gratitude.

I could write a poem, but what are words but letters.  I could since a song, but what is music but notes.  I could paint a picture, but what is art but color.

The greatest gift of gratitude is simply to say "thank you."

There are so many things in this world that impress us, but none so much as a true friend — someone we truly love.  And I know that this is what I feel for you.

For the opportunity to know you and love you in such a way, I say thank you.

Perhaps next time, however, we will not allow our differences to play such a major role in determining how long such a friendship lasts.

Perhaps…

[circa 1989]

Perhaps it's like telling us that proper diet and exercise are good for us or that not touching an open flame is a wise idea.  Science doesn't always figure things out before conventional wisdom does, and that's exactly what I think of the results from a new study from the University of Missouri-Columbia that indicates hormonal changes take place in humans when we interact with dogs.

Although the study focused on the relationship between people and canines, the results are likely to be duplicated across a wide variety of pets.  What makes this study stand out is that it was intended to show whether or not our interaction with pets could be a medical treatment.  The results seem to indicate just that.  Just wait until pet therapy is covered by your insurance carrier!

We've already known that pets can help reduce allergies in children, lower blood pressure, and ease or alleviate loneliness in the elderly, but this new study clearly has implications far beyond that — including the treatment of depression and stress-related disorders.

Take a look at this MSNBC article for more details on the study.

Since I've had plenty of folks asking about it, I want to clarify a previous Ramblings post.  The post in question, These are the words I never speak, isn't misplaced — it doesn't belong in Miscellany as many of you have pointed out to me.  Although I don't mind being corrected, in this particular case, your approbation on the post's placement in Ramblings is neither required nor desired (I think that's healthy!).

You see, that post isn't a writing from years past.  It's not part of the collection of writings that I cull from my life.  You can always go here for a reminder of what Miscellany is about.

No, "These are the words I never speak" isn't something from the past — it's something from the present.  Remember that Ramblings is about the present.

That particular blog entry is an open letter to someone in my life right now.  It's the byproduct of those sporadic thought processes I've warned you about in the past.

I was feeling particularly fond of a friend of mine that evening, having just spent part of the day with him, and decided to put into words what was pounding in my heart.

I'm not retracting it and I'm not moving it.  It's staying right where it is and just as it is.

So rest assured that I am just as human as the next guy.  I have feelings that don't always manifest in expected ways.  No, my feelings do as they please.  In this particular case, they happened to manifest in the same way that formed the material in Miscellany.

The clarification, however, is that this "crush" (or infatuation or desire or true love or whatever it is) is one of two that I carry with me every single day.  Yes, there is someone else I would similarly write about.  You could even safely assume that something about both of these men will be written here in the future — perhaps not too distant future.

But you can still get off me about moving the damn post!

I woke up this morning to find a newly submitted web link on the site.  Although I normally get these from people who actually visit my site regularly and know what I would be interested in posting here, this was no such submission.  Amazingly enough, it was spam.

This is not a commercial site and I do not promote arbitrary products for any reason.  You may see me mention a product if I have personal experience with it — and I might actually recommend it if I can do so based on such experience — but I certainly do not use my site to send business to companies who troll the web looking for ways to advertise for free their otherwise unnoticed and unremarkable products, sites or services.

Besides, does this really look like a site where child car seats would be a major point of interest?  Perhaps if it was related to any of the number of varied interests I talk about here I'd be more inclined to consider it.  But child car seats?  You've got to be kidding!

Then again, if you enjoy my lavishing you with opprobrium, you're more than welcome to come back here time and again to submit your spam for my careful consideration.

So, to Charlton Conine of Baby Car Seats, Inc. (who appears to be spreading this spam through any means possible) and any other clueless gits who think I'm hear to provide a free advertising forum, kiss my ass and move on quietly.